Fables  in  Slang 


FABLES 

IN 
SLANG 


GEORGE 
A      D       E 


ILLUSTRATED 


CLYDE  J. 

NEWMAN 


PUBLISHED  BY 

HERBERT  S.  STONE 
AND  COMPANY 
CHICAGO  &  NEW  YORK 
M  D  C  C  C  C 


85 


COPYRIGHT,     1899,     BV 
HERBERT  S.   STONE   &    CO, 


The  Author  an  dtfye+'Eub  Ushers*  wisfy.  to  acknowledge 
the  courtesy  of  VWJTOR  .P*'  LAW^O^'  ESQ.,  in 
permitting  the  .j<eis;u^  .  of  .tkeje  .Fabl&r  *in  hook 
form,  after  &£&  #£$^ylzf£  b\  '^he^trlu^njis^of  THE 
CHICAGO  RECORD. 


SIXTY-FIRST    THOUSAND 


?S 


Table  of  Contents 

PAGE 

The  Fable  of  tbe  Visitor  Who  Got  a  Lot  for 

Three  Dollars  .  I 


72*  Fable  <?/  /£*  Slim   Girl  JT£0  Tried  to 

Keep  a  Date  that  was  Never  Made       .         9 

72*  Fable   of  tbe  New  York    Person    Who 

Gave  /2*  Stage  Fright  to  Fostoria,  Ohio       15 

72*  Fable  of  tbe  Kid  Who  Shifted  His  Ideal      23 

72*  Fa'  .,•  «/  /£*  Base  Ball  Fan  Jf£<7  Took 

/£*  Only  Known  Cure         .          .          .27 

72*    Fable    0f  /^*    Good    Fairy    «//'/£    //&* 

Lorgnette,  ^^^  why  She  Got  //  Good    .       33 

^72*  Fable  «/"  />&*  Unintentional   Heroes  <?/* 

Centreville         .....       47 

^  72*  Fable  <  tbe  Parents  JT£0  Tinkered  O//V-& 

tbe  Offspring 53 

72*   Fable    0f  How    He    Never   Touched 

George 59 

72*  Fable  of  tbe  Preacher  Who  Flew  His 
Kite,  but  not  Because  He  Wished  to  Do 
So  .  .  .  .  .  .63 


Tbe  Fable  of  Handsome  Jethro,   Who  was 

Simply  Cut  Out  to  be  a  Merchant        .       75 

Tbe  Fable  0/"Paducah's  Favorite  Comedians 

and  the  Mildewed  Stunt      .          .  83 

Tbe  Fable  of  Flora  and  Adolph  and  a  Home 

Gone  Wrong    .....      93 

Tbe   Fable    of  the  Copper  and  the  Jovial 

Undergrads       .          .          .          .          .105 

Tbe  Fable  of  the  Professor  Wbo  Wanted  to 

be  Alone 1 1 1 

Tbe   Fable   of  a  Statesman    Wbo  Couldn't 

Make  Good 115 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Brash  Drummer  and  tbe 
Peach  Wbo  Learned  that  There  Were 
Others 123 

Tbe  Fable  of  Sister  Mae,  Wbo  Did  as  Well 

as  Could  Be  Expected          .          .          .     1 3  5 

Tbe  Fable  of  How  tbe  Fool-Killer  Backed 

Out  of  a  Contract      .          .          .          .     143 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Caddy   Wbo  Hurt  His 

Head  while  Thinking         .          .          .     147 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Martyr  Wbo  Liked  tbe 
Job 151 


Tbt  Fable  of  tbe  Bohemian  Who  had  Hard 

Luck 157 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Coming  Champion   Who 

was  Delayed     .          .          .          .          .163 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Lawyer  Wbo  Brought  in  a 

Minority  Report        .          .          .          .     177 

Tbe  Fable  of  tbe  Two  Mandolin  Players  and 

tbe  Willing  Performer          .          .          .181 

Tbe  Fable  of  the  Man  Wbo  Didn't  CATC  for 

Story-Books 195 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  VISITOR 
WHO  GOT  A  LOT  FOR  THREE 
DOLLARS. 

THE  Learned  Phrenologist  sat 
in  his  Office  surrounded  by 
his  Whiskers. 

Now  and  then  he  put  a  Forefinger  to 
his  Brow  and  glanced  at  the  Mirror  to 
make  sure  that  he  still  resembled  Wil 
liam  Cullen  Bryant. 

Near  him,  on  a  Table,  was  a  Pallid 
Head  made  of  Plaster-of-Paris  and  stick 
ily  ornamented  with  small  Labels.  On 
the  wall  was  a  Chart  showing  that  the 
Orangoutang  does  not  have  Daniel 
Webster's  facial  angle. 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"Is  the  Graft  played  out?"  asked  the 
Learned  Phrenologist,  as  he  waited.  "Is 
Science  up  against  it  or  What?" 

Then  he  heard  the  fall  of  Heavy 
Feet  and  resumed  his  Imitation.  The 
Door  opened  and  there  came  into  the 
Room  a  tall,  rangy  Person  with  a  Head 
in  the  shape  of  a  Rocky  Ford  Canta 
loupe. 

Aroused  from  his  Meditation,  the 
Learned  Phrenologist  looked  up  at  the 
Stranger  as  through  a  Glass,  darkly,  and 
pointed  to  a  Red  Plush  Chair. 

The  Easy  Mark  collapsed  into  the 
Boarding-House  Chair  and  the  Man 
with  more  Whiskers  than  Darwin  ever 
saw  stood  behind  Him  and  ran  his 
Fingers  over  his  Head,  Tarantula- 
Wise. 

"Well,  well!"  said  the  Learned  Phren- 


THE    LEARNED    PHRENOLOGIST 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


ologist.  "Enough  Benevolence  here  to 
do  a  family  of  Eight.  Courage?  I 
guess  yes!  Dewey's  got  the  same  kind 
of  a  Lump  right  over  the  Left  Ear. 
Love  of  Home  and  Friends — like  the 
ridge  behind  a  Bunker!  Firmness — out 
of  sight!  Reverence—well,  when  it 
comes  to  Reverence,  you're  certainly 
There  with  the  Goods!  Conscientious 
ness,  Hope,  and  Ideality  —  the  Limit! 
And  as  for  Metaphysical  Penetration — 
oh,  Say,  the  Metaphysical  Penetration, 
right  where  you  part  the  Hair — oh, 
Laura  !  Say,  you've  got  Charles  Eliot 
Norton  whipped  to  a  Custard.  I've 
got  my  Hand  on  it  now.  You  can  feel 
it  yourself,  can't  you?" 

"I  can  feel  Something,"  replied  the 
Human  Being,  with  a  rapt  Smile. 

"Wit,  Compassion  and  Poetic  Talent 

4 


HUMAN    BEING 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


— right  here  where  I've  got  my  Thumb 
— a  Cinch!  I  think  you'll  run  as  high 
as  98  per  cent  on  all  the  Intellectual 
Faculties.  In  your  Case  we  have  a 
Rare  Combination  of  Executive  Ability, 
or  the  Power  to  Command,  and  those 
Qualities  of  Benevolence  and  Ideality 
which  contribute  to  the  fostering  of  Per 
manent  Religious  Sentiment.  I  don't 
know  what  your  present  Occupation  is, 
but  you  ought  to  be  President  of  a 
Theological  Seminary.  Kindly  slip  me 
Three  Dollars  before  you  Pass  Out." 

The  Tall  Man  separated  himself 
from  Two  Days'  Pay  and  then  went 
out  on  the  Street  and  pushed  People 
off  the  Sidewalk,  He  thought  so  well 
of  Himself. 

Thereafter,   as    before,   he   drove    a 


A  LOT    FOR    THREE   DOLLARS 

Truck,  but  he  was  always  glad  to  know 
that  he  could  have  been  President  of  a 
Theological  Seminary. 

Moral:    A  good  Jolly  is  worth  What 
ever  you  Pay  for  it. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  SLIM  GIRL 
WHO  TRIED  TO  KEEP  A  DATE 
THAT  WAS  NEVER  MADE 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a 
slim  Girl  with  a  Forehead  which 
was    Shiny   and    Protuberant, 
like  a  Bartlett  Pear.    When  asked  to  put 
Something    in    an    Autograph    Album 
she  invariably  wrote  the  Following,  in 
a  tall,  dislocated  Back-Hand: 

"  Life  is  Real ;  Life  is  Earnest, 
And  the  Grave  is  not  its  Goal." 

That's  the  kind  of  a  Girl  she  was. 

In  her  own  Town  he  had  the  Name 
of  being  a  Cold  Proposition,  but  that 
was  because  the  Primitive  Yokels  of  a 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


One-Night  Stand  could  not  Attune 
Themselves  to  the  Views  of  one  who 
was  troubled  with  Ideals.  Her  Soul 
Panted  for  the  Higher  Life. 

Alas,  the  Rube  Town  in  which  she 
Hung  Forth  was  given  over  to  Croquet, 
Mush  and  Milk  Sociables,  a  lodge  of 
Elks  and  two  married  Preachers  who 
doctored  for  the  Tonsilitis.  So  what 
could  the  Poor  Girl  do  ? 

In  all  the  Country  around  there  was 
not  a  Man  who  came  up  to  her  Plans 
and  Specifications  for  a  Husband. 
Neither  was  there  any  Man  ^ho  had 
any  time  for  Her.  So  she  led  a  lonely 
Life,  dreaming  of  the  One— the  Ideal. 
He  was  a  big  and  pensive  Literary  Man, 
wearing  a  Prince  Albert  coat,  a  neat 
Derby  Hat  and  godlike  Whiskers. 
When  He  came  he  would  enfold  Her 

IO 


COLD    PROPOSITION 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


in    his   Arms   and   whisper  Emerson's 
Essays  to  her. 

But  the  Party  failed  to  show  up. 

Often  enough  she  put  on  her  Chip 
Hat  and  her  Black  Lisle  Gloves  and 
Sauntered  down  to  look  at  the  Gang 
sitting  in  front  of  the  Occidental 
Hotel,  hoping  that  the  Real  Thing 
would  be  there.  But  she  always  saw 
the  same  old  line  of  Four-Flush  Drum 
mers  from  Chicago  and  St.  Louis,  smok 
ing  Horrid  Cigars  and  talking  about 
the  Percentages  of  the  League  Teams. 

She  knew  that  these  Gross  Creatures 
were  not  prone  to  chase  mere  Intellec 
tual  Splendor,  so  she  made  no  effort  to 
Flag  them. 

When  she  was  Thirty-Four  years  of 
age  and  was  able  to  recite  cc  Lucile " 
without  looking  at  the  Book  she  was 

I  2 


FOUR-FLUSH    DRUMMER 


FABLES    7AT  SLANG 


Married  to  a  Janitor  of  the  name  of 
Ernest.  He  had  been  kicked  in  the 
Head  by  a  Mule  when  young  and  be 
lieved  everything  he  read  in  the  Sunday 
Papers.  His  pay  was  Twenty-Three  a 
month,  which  was  high,  if  you  knew 
Ernest. 

His  Wife  wore  a  red  Mother  Hub- 
bard  all  during  the  Remainder  of  her 
Life. 

This  is  invariably  a  Sign  of  Blasted 
Hopes. 

MORAL:  Never  Live  in  a  Jay 
Town. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  NEW  YORK 
PERSON  WHO  GAVE  THE  STAGE 
FRIGHT  TO  FOSTORIA,  OHIO 

ANEW  YORK  man  went  to 
visit  a  Cousin  in  the  Far 
West. 

The  name  of  the  Town  was  Fostorm, 
Ohio. 

When  he  came  into  Town  he  had  his 
Watch-Chain  on  the  outside  of  his  Coat, 
and  his  Pink  Spats  were  the  first  ever 
seen  in  Fostoria. 

"  Have  you  a  Manicure  Parlor  in  this 
Beastly  Hole  ? "  asked  the  New  York 
Man,  as  they  walked  up  from  the  Train. 
"What's  that?"  asked  the  Cousin, 
stepping  on  his  own  Feet. 
15 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"  Great  Heavens  !  "  exclaimed  the 
New  York  Man,  and  was  silent  for 
several  Moments. 

At  Dinner  he  called  for  Artichokes, 
and  when  told  that  there  were  none,  he 
said,  "  Oh,  very  well,"  in  a  Tone  of 
Chastened  Resignation. 

After  Dinner  he  took  the  Family  into 
the  Parlor,  and  told  the  Members  how 
much  they  would  Enjoy  going  to  Weber 
and  Fields'.  Seeing  a  Book  on  the  Table, 
he  sauntered  up  to  It  and  said,  "Ah, 
one  of  Dick  Davis1  Things."  Later  in 
the  Evening  he  visited  the  only  Club 
House  in  Town.  The  Local  Editor  of 
the  Evening  Paper  was  playing  Pin- Pool 
with  the  Superintendent  of  the  Trolley 
Line.  When  the  New  York  Man  came 
into  the  Room,  they  began  to  Tremble 
and  fell  down  on  their  Shots. 

16 


NEW    YORK.    MAN 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


The  Manager  of  the  Hub  and  Spoke 
Factory  then  asked  the  New  York  Man 
f  to  have  a  Drink.  The  New  York  Man 
wondered  if  a  Small  Bottle  was  already 
cold.  They  said  Yes,  but  it  was  a  Lie. 
The  Boy  had  to  go  out  for  it. 

He  found  One  that  had  been  in  the 
Window  of  the  Turf  Exchange  since  the 
Grand  Opening,  the  Year  after  Natural 
Gas  was  discovered.  The  New  York 
Man  drank  it,  remarking  that  it  was 
hardly  as  Dry  as  he  usually  got  it  at 
Martin's. 

The  Club  Members  looked  at  Him 
and  said  Nothing.  They  thought  he 
meant  Bradley-Martin's. 

Next  Day  the  New  York  Man  was 
Interviewed  by  the  Local  Editor.  He 
said  the  West  had  a  Great  Future.  In 
the  Evening  he  attended  the  Annual 

18 


SNAKE    CHARMER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Dinner  of  the  Bicycle  Club,  and  went 
Home  early  because  the  Man  sitting 
next  to  him  put  Ice  in  his  Claret. 

In  due  time  he  returned  to  New  York, 
and  Fostoria  took  off  its  White  Shirt. 

Some  Weeks  after  that,  the  Cousin  of 
the  New  York  Man  had  an  Opportunity 
to  visit  the  Metropolis.  He  rode  on  an 
Extra  Ticket  with  a  Stockman  who  was 
shipping  three  Car-Load  of  Horses, 
and  got  a  Free  Ticket  for  every  Car- 
Load. 

When  the  Cousin  arrived  at  New  York 
he  went  to  the  address,  and  found  the 
New  York  Man  at  Dinner. 

There  was  a  Sheaf  of  Celery  on  the 
Table. 

Opposite  the  New  York  Man  sat  a 
Chiropodist  who  drank. 

At  his  right  was  a  Large  Woman  in 

20 


THE   NEW   YORK   MAN 


a  Flowered  Wrapper  —  she  had  been 
Weeping. 

At  his  left  was  a  Snake-Charmer  from 
Huber's  Museum. 

The  New  York  Man  asked  the 
Cousin  to  wait  Outside,  and  then  ex 
plained  that  he  was  stopping  there  Tem 
porarily.  That  Evening  they  went  to 
Proctor's,  and  stood  during  the  Per 
formance. 

MORAL  :  A  New  Tork  Man  never  be 
gins  to  Cut  Ice  until  he  is  west  of  Rahway. 


THE    FABLE    OF    THE    KID    WHO 
SHIFTED   HIS  IDEAL 

A^  A.  D.  T.  Kid  carrying  a  Death 
Message     marked     "  Rush " 
stopped  in  front  of  a    Show 
Window  containing  a  Picture  of  James 
J.  Jeffries  and  began  to  weep  bitterly. 

A  kind-hearted  Suburbanite  hap 
pened  to  be  passing  along  on  his  Way 
to  the  5:42  Train.  He  was  carrying  a 
Dog  Collar,  a  Sickle,  a  Basket  of  Egg 
Plums  and  a  Bicycle  Tire. 

The  Suburbanite    saw  the  A.  D.  T. 

Kid  in  Tears  and    it   struck  him  that 

here  was   a  Bully  Chance  to  act  out  the 

Kind-Hearted  Pedestrian  who  is  always 

23 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


played  up  strong  in  the  Sunday  School 
Stories  about  Ralph  and  Edgar. 

"Why  do  you  weep?"  he  asked,  peer 
ing  at  the  Boy  through  his  concavo- 
convex  Nose  Glasses. 

"Oh,  gee!  I  was  just  Thinking,"  re 
plied  the  Urchin,  brokenly.  "I  was  just 
Thinking  what  chance  have  I  got  to 
grow  up  and  be  the  Main  Stem,  like 
Mr.  Jeffries." 

"What  a  perverted  Ambition!"  ex 
claimed  the  Suburbanite.  "Why  do  you 
set  up  Mr.  Jeffries  as  an  Ideal?  Why 
do  you  not  strive  to  be  like  Me?  Is  it 
not  worth  a  Life  of  Endeavor  to  com 
mand  the  Love  and  Respect  of  a  Moral 
Settlement  on  the  Outskirts?  All  the 
Conductors  on  our  Division  speak 
pleasantly  to  Me,  and  the  Gateman  has 
come  to  know  my  Name.  Last  year  I 
24 


THE    KID 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


had  my  Half-Tone  in  the  Village 
Weekly  for  the  mere  Cost  of  the  En 
graving.  When  we  opened  Locust  ave 
nue  from  the  Cemetery  west  to  Alex 
ander's  Dairy,  was  I  not  a  Member  of 
the  Committee  appointed  to  present  the 
Petition  to  the  Councilmen?  That's 
what  I  was!  For  Six  Years  I  have  been 
a  Member  of  the  League  of  American 
Wheelmen  and  now  I  am  a  Candidate 
for  Director  of  our  new  four-hole  Golf 
Club.  Also  I  play  Whist  on  the  Train 
with  a  Man  who  once  lived  in  the  same 
House  with  T.  DeWitt  Talmage." 

Hearing  these  words  the  A.  D.  T. 
Kid  ceased  weeping  and  cheerfully  pro 
ceeded  up  an  Alley,  where  he  played 
"Wood  Tag." 

MORAL:  As  the  Twig  is  Bent  the 
Tree  is  Inclined. 

26 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  BASE  BALL 
FAN  WHO  TOOK  THE  ONLY 
KNOWN  CURE 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  a  Base  Ball 
Fan  lay  on  his  Death-Bed. 
He  had  been  a  Rooter  from 
the  days  of  Underhand  Pitching. 

It  was  simply  Pie  for  him  to  tell  in 
what  year  Anse  began  to  play  with  the 
Rockfords  and  what  Kelly's  Batting 
Average  was  the  Year  he  sold  for  Ten 
Thousand. 

If  you  asked  him  who  played  Center 
for  Boston  in  1886  he  could  tell  you 
quick — right  off  the  Reel.  And  he  was 
a  walking  Directory  of  all  the  Glass 
Arms  in  the  Universe. 
27 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


More  than  once  he  had  let  drive  with 
a  Pop  Bottle  at  the  Umpire  and  then 
yelled  "Robber"  until  his  Pipes  gave 
out.  For  many  Summers  he  would 
come  Home,  one  Evening  after  An 
other,  with  his  Collar  melted,  and  tell 
his  Wife  that  the  Giants  made  the  Colts 
look  like  a  lot  of  Colonial  Dames 
playing  Bean  Bag  in  a  Weedy  Lot  back 
of  an  Orphan  Asylum,  and  they  ought 
to  put  a  Trained  Nurse  on  Third,  and 
the  Dummy  at  Right  needed  an  Auto 
mobile,  and  the  New  Man  couldn't  jump 
out  of  a  Boat  and  hit  the  Water,  and 
the  Short-Stop  wouldn't  be  able  to  pick 
up  a  Ball  if  it  was  handed  to  him  on  a 
Platter  with  Water  Cress  around  it,  and 
the  Easy  One  to  Third  that  ought  to 
have  been  Sponge  Cake  was  fielded  like 


THE    FAN 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


a  One-Legged  Man  with  St.  Vitus  dance 
trying  to  do  the  Nashville  Salute. 

Of  course  she  never  knew  what  he 
was  Talking  about,  but  she  put  up  with 
it,  Year  after  Year,  mixing  Throat 
Gargle  for  him  and  reading  the  Games 
to  him  when  he  was  having  his  Eyes 
tested  and  had  to  wear  a  Green  Shade. 

At  last  he  came  to  his  Ninth  Inning 
and  there  were  Two  Strikes  called  and 
no  Balls,  and  his  Friends  knew  it  was 
All  Day  with  him.  They  stood  around 
and  tried  to  forget  that  he  was  a  Fan. 
His  Wife  wept  softly  and  consoled  her 
self  with  the  Thought  that  possibly  he 
would  have  amounted  to  Something  if 
there  had  been  no  National  Game.  She 
forgave  Everything  and  pleaded  for  one 
Final  Message.  His  Lips  moved.  She 
leaned  over  and  Listened.  He  wanted 
3° 


THE   BASE   BALL   FAN 


to  know  if  there  was  Anything  in  the 
Morning  Papers  about  the  Condition  of 
Bill  Lange's  Knee. 

MORAL:     There  is  a  Specific  Bacillus 
for  every  Classified  Disease. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  GOOD  FAIRY 
WITH  THE  LORGNETTE,  AND 
WHY  SHE  GOT  IT  GOOD 

ONCE  Upon  a  Time  there  was  a 
Broad  Girl  who  had  nothing 
else  to  do  and  no  Children  to 
look  after,  so  she  thought  she  would  be 
Benevolent. 

She  had  scared  all  the  Red  Corpuscles 
out  of  the  2  by  4  Midget  who  rotated 
about  her  in  a  Limited  Orbit  and  was 
known  by  Courtesy  as  her  Husband. 
He  was  Soft  for  her,  and  so  she  got  it 
Mapped  out  with  Herself  that  she  was 
a  Superior  Woman. 

33 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


She  knew  that  when  she  switched  the 
Current  on  to  herself  she  Used  up  about 
6,000  Ohms  an  hour,  and  the  whole 
Neighborhood  had  to  put  on  Blinders. 

She  had  read  about  nine  Subscription 
Books  with  Cupid  and  Dore  Tail- Pieces 
and  she  believed  that  she  could  get  away 
with  any  Topic  that  was  batted  up  to  her 
and  then  slam  it  over  to  Second  in  time 
to  head  off  the  Runner. 

Her  clothes  were  full  of  Pin-Holes 
where  she  had  been  hanging  Medals  on 
Herself,  and  she  used  to  go  in  a  Hand- 
Ball  Court  every  Day  and  throw  up  Bou 
quets,  letting  them  bounce  back  and 
hit  Her. 

Also,  She  would  square  off  in  front 
of  a  Camera  every  Two  Weeks,  and  the 
Man  was  Next,  for  he  always  removed 
the  Mole  when  he  was  touching  up  the 

34 


THE    MIDGET 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Negative.  In  the  Photograph  the  Broad 
Girl  resembled  Pauline  Hall,  but  outside 
of  the  Photograph,  and  take  it  in  the 
Morning  when  she  showed  up  on  the 
Level,  she  looked  like  a  Street  just  be 
fore  they  put  on  the  Asphalt. 

But  never  you  Fear,  She  thought  She 
had  Julia  Arthur  and  Mary  Mannering 
Seventeen  up  and  One  to  play,  so  far  as 
Good  Looks  were  concerned  ;  and  when 
it  came  to  the  Gray  Matter  —  the  Cere 
brum,  the  Cerebellum,  and  the  Medulla 
Oblongata  —  May  Wright  Sewall  was 
back  of  the  Flag  and  Pulled  up  Lame. 

The  Down-Trodden  Man,  whom  she 
had  dragged  to  the  Altar,  sized  Her  all 
right,  but  he  was  afraid  of  his  Life.  He 
wasn't  Strong  enough  to  push  Her  in 
front  of  a  Cable  Car,  and  he  didn't  have 
the  Nerve  to  get  a  Divorce.  So  he  stood 
36 


THE   GOOD    FAIRY 


for  Everything;  but  in  the  Summer, 
when  She  skated  off  into  the  Woods  to 
hear  a  man  with  a  Black  Alpaca  Coat  lec 
ture  to  the  High  Foreheads  about  the 
Subverted  Ego,  he  used  to  go  out  with 
a  few  Friends  and  tell  them  his  Troubles 
and  weep  into  his  Beer.  They  would 
slap  him  on  the  Back  and  tell  him  she  was 
a  Nice  Woman  ;  but  he  knew  better. 

Anny how,  as  Bobby  Gaylor  used  to  say, 
she  became  restless  around  the  House, 
with  nothing  to  do  except  her  Husband, 
so  she  made  up  her  mind  to  be  Benevo 
lent  to  beat  the  Band.  She  decided  that 
she  would  allow  the  Glory  of  her  Pres 
ence  to  burst  upon  the  Poor  and  the 
Uncultured.  It  would  be  a  Big  Help  to 
the  Poor  and  Uncultured  to  see  what  a 
Real  Razmataz  Lady  was  like. 

She  didn't  Propose  to  put  on  Old 
37 


FABLES    IN   SLANG 


Clothes,  and  go  and  live  with  Poor 
People,  and  be  One  of  Them,  and  nurse 
their  Sick,  as  they  do  in  Settlements.  Not 
on  Your  Previous  Existence !  She  was 
going  to  be  Benevolent,  and  be  Dead 
Swell  at  the  Same  Time. 

Accordingly,  she  would  Lace  Herself 
until  she  was  the  shape  of  a  Bass  Viol, 
and  put  on  her  Tailor- Made,  and  the 
Hat  that  made  her  Face  seem  longer,  and 
then  she  would  Gallop  forth  to  do  Things 
to  the  Poor.  She  always  carried  a  99-cent 
Lorgnette  in  one  Hand  and  a  Smeliing- 
Bottle  in  the  Other. 

"Now,"  she  would  say, feeling  Behind 
to  make  sure  that  she  was  ail  strung  up, 
"Now,  to  carry  Sunshine  into  the  Lowly 
Places." 

As  soon  as  she  struck  the  Plank  Walks, 
and  began  stalking  her  prey,  the  small 
38 


THE    BROAD    GIRL 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Children  would  crawl  under  the  Beds, 
while  Mother  would  dry  her  Arms  on 
the  Apron,  and  murmur,  "  Glory  be  !  " 
They  knew  how  to  stand  off  the  Rent- 
Man  and  the  Dog-Catcher ;  but  when 
235  pounds  of  Sunshine  came  wafting  up 
the  Street,  they  felt  that  they  were  up 
against  a  New  Game. 

The  Benevolent  Lady  would  go  into 
a  House  numbered  1 13 5 A  with  a  Mark 
ing  Br.ish,  and  after  she  had  sized  up  the 
front  room  through  the  Lorgnette,  she 
would  say  :  "  My  Good  Woman,  does 
your  Husband  drink  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  sir,"  the  grateful  Woman 
would  reply.  "  That  is,  when  he's 
working.  He  gets  a  Dollar  Ten." 

"  And  what  does  he  do  with  all  his 
Money  ?  "  the  Benevolent  Lady  would 
ask. 

40 


THE   GOOD   FAIRY 


"  I  think  he  plays  the  Stock  Market," 
would  be  the  Reply. 

Then  the  Benevolent  Lady  would  say : 
"When  the  Unfortunate  Man  comes 
Home  this  Evening  you  tell  him  that  a 
Kind  and  Beautiful  Lady  called  and  asked 
him  please  to  stop  Drinking,  except  a 
Glass  of  Claret  at  Dinner,  and  to  be  sure 
and  read  Eight  or  Ten  Pages  from  the 
Encyclopaedia  Britannica  each  Night  be 
fore  retiring  ;  also  tell  him  to  be  sure  and 
save  his  Money.  Is  that  your  Child  un 
der  the  Bed  ? " 

"  That's  little  William  J." 

"  How  Many  have  you  ?  " 

"Eight  or  Nine  — I  forget  Which." 

"  Be  sure  and  dress  them  in  Sanitary 
Underwear ;  you  can  get  it  for  Four  Dol 
lars  a  Suit.  Will  you  be  good  enough  to 
have  the  Little  Boy  come  from  under 
41 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


the  Bed,  and  spell  c  Ibex '  for  the  Sweet 
Lady  ?  " 

"He's  afraid  of  you." 

<c  Kindly  explain  to  him  that  I  take  an 
Interest  in  him,  even  though  he  is  the 
Offspring  of  an  Obscure  and  Ignorant 
Workingman,  while  I  am  probably  the 
Grandest  Thing  that  ever  Swept  up  the 
Boulevard.  I  must  go  now,  but  I  will 
Return.  Next  time  I  come  I  hope  to  hear 
that  your  Husband  has  stopped  Drink 
ing  and  is  very  Happy.  Tell  the  Small 
Person  under  the  Bed  that  if  he  learns  to 
spell £  Ibex '  by  the  time  I  call  again  I  will 
let  him  look  at  my  Rings.  As  for  you, 
bear  in  mind  that  it  is  no  Disgrace  to  be 
Poor;  it  is  simply  Inconvenient,  that's 
all." 

Having  delivered  herself  of  these  Help 
ful  Remarks  she  would  Duck,  and  the 
42 


THE  GOOD    FAIRY 


Uplifted  Mother  would  put  a  Nickel  in 
the  Can  and  send  Lizzie  over  to  the 
Dutchman's. 

In  this  manner  the  Benevolent  Lady 
carried  forward  the  Good  Work,  and 
Dazzled  the  whole  Region  between 
O'Hara's  Box  Factory  and  the  City 
Dump.  It  didn't  Cost  anything,  and  she 
derived  much  Joy  from  the  Knowledge 
that  Hundreds  of  People  were  Rubber 
ing  at  her,  and  remarking  in  Choked 
Whispers  :  "  Say,  ain't  she  the  Smooth 
Article  ? " 

But  one  day  a  Scrappy  Kid,  whose 
Mother  didn't  have  any  Lorgnette  or 
Diamond  Ear-Bobs,  spotted  the  Benevo 
lent  Lady.  The  Benevolent  Lady  had 
been  in  the  House  telling  his  Mother 
that  it  was  a  Glorious  Privilege  to  wash 
for  a  Living. 

43 


CABLES    IN  SLANG 


After  the  Benevolent  Lady  went  away 
the  Kid's  Mother  sat  down  and  had  a 
Good  Cry,  and  the  Scrappy  Kid  thought 
it  was  up  to  him.  He  went  out  to  the 
Alley  and  found  a  Tomato  Can  that  was 
not  working,  and  he  waited. 

In  a  little  while  the  Benevolent  Lady 
came  out  of  a  Basement,  in  which  she  had 
been  telling  a  Polish  Family  to  look  at 
her  and  be  Happy.  The  Scrappy  Kid 
let  drive,  and  the  Tomato  Can  struck  the 
Benevolent  Lady  between  the  Shoulder 
Blades.  She  squawked  and  started  to  run, 
fell  over  a  Garbage  Box,  and  had  to  be 
picked  up  by  a  Policeman. 

She  went  Home  in  a  Cab,  and  told  her 
Husband  that  the  Liquor  League  had 
tried  to  Assassinate  her,  because  she  was 
Reforming  so  many  Drunkards.  That 
settled  it  with  her — she  said  she  wouldn't 

44 


THE   GOOD   FAIRY 


try  to  be  Benevolent  any  more  —  so  she 
joined  an  Ibsen  Club. 

The  Scrappy  Kid  grew  up  to  be  a  Cor 
rupt  Alderman,  and  gave  his  Mother 
plenty  of  Good  Clothes,  which  she  was 
always  afraid  to  wear. 

MORAL  :    In  uplifting,  get  underneath. 


45 


V 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  UNINTEN 
TIONAL  HEROES  OF  CENTRE- 
VILLE 

IN  Centreville  there  lived  two  husky 
Young  Fellows    named   Bill   and 
Schuyler  —  commonly  abbreviated 
to  Schuy.    They  did  not  find  any  nour 
ishing  Excitement  in  a  Grain  Elevator, 
so  they  Enlisted  to  Free  Cuba. 

The  Government  gave  each  of  them 
a  Slouch  Hat  and  a  prehistoric  Firearm. 
They  tied  Red  Handkerchiefs  around 
their  Necks  and  started  for  the  Front, 
each  with  his  Head  out  of  the  Car  Win 
dow.  They  gave  the  Sioux  Yell  to 
everybody  along  the  Track  between 
Centreville  and  Tampa. 

47 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


While  in  Camp  they  played  Double 
Pedie,  smoked  Corn-Cob  Pipes,  and 
cussed  the  Radons.  They  referred  to 
the  President  of  these  United  States  as 
"  Mac,"  and  spoke  of  the  beloved  Secre 
tary  of  War  as  "  Old  Alger." 

After  more  or  less  Delay  they  went 
aboard  a  Boat,  and  were  landed  in  Cuba, 
where  they  began  to  Shoot  at  everything 
that  looked  Foreign.  The  hot  Rain 
drenched  them,  and  the  tropical  Sun 
steamed  them ;  they  had  Mud  on  their 
clothes,  and  had  to  sleep  out.  When  they 
were  unusually  Tired  and  Hungry,  they 
would  sing  Coon  Songs  and  Roast  the 
War  Department. 

At  last  they  were  ordered  Home.  On 
the  way  back  they  didn't  think  of  Any 
thing  except  their  two  Lady  Friends,  who 
worked  in  the  Centreville  Steam  Laundry. 
48 


SCHUY 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


They  rode  into  Town  with  a  Machete 
under  each  Arm,  and  their  Pockets  full 
of  Mauser  Cartridges. 

The  first  Thing  they  saw  when  they 
alighted  from  the  Train  was  a  Brass 
Band.  It  began  to  play,  "  See  the  Con 
quering  Hero  Comes." 

Then  eight  Little  Girls  in  White  be 
gan  to  strew  Flowers  in  their  Pathway. 

The  Artillery  company  ripped  out  a 
Salute. 

Cap  Gibbs,  who  won  his  Title  by  own 
ing  the  first  Steam  Thrashing  Machine 
ever  seen  in  the  County,  confronted  them 
with  a  Red,  White,  and  Blue  Sash  around 
him.  He  Barked  in  a  loud  Voice  —  it 
was  something  about  Old  Glory. 

Afterward  the  Daughters  of  the  Revo 
lution  rook  them  in  Tow,  and  escorted 
them  to  Pythian  Hall,  where  they  were 
50 


HEROES    OF  CENTREVILLE 

given  Fried  Chicken,  Veal  Loaf,  Deviled 
Eggs,  Crullers,  Preserved  Watermelon, 
Cottage  Cheese,  Sweet  Pickles,  Grape 
Jelly,  Soda  Biscuit,  Stuffed  Mangoes, 
Lemonade,  Hickory-Nut  Cake,  Cookies, 
Cinnamon  Roll,  Lemon  Pie,  Ham,  Mac 
aroons,  New  York  Ice  Cream,  Apple 
Butter,  Charlotte  Russe,  Peppermint 
Wafers,  and  Coffee. 

While  they  were  Feeding,  the  Sons 
of  Veterans  Quartet  stood  on  the  Ros 
trum  with  their  Heads  together,  and 
sang: 

"Ten-ting  to-night!    Ten-ting  to-night, 
Ten-ring  on  the  old-ah  Ca  rnp -ground !" 

At  the  first  opportunity  Bill  motioned 
to  Schuyler,  arid  led  him  into  the  Ante 
room,  where  they  kept  the  Regalia5  the 
Kindling  Wood,  and  the  Mop. 

"Say,  Schuy,  what   the    Sam    Hill 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


does  this  mean?"  he  asked;  "are  we 
Heroes?" 

"  That 's  what  Everybody  says." 

"  Do  you  Believe  it  ?  " 

"  No  matter  what  I  Believe ;  I  'm 
goin'  to  let  'em  have  their  own  Way. 
I  may  want  to  Run  for  Supervisor 
some  Day. 

MORAL:  If  it  is  your  Play  to  be  a 
y  dont  Renig. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  PARENTS 
WHO  TINKERED  WITH  THE 
OFFSPRING 

A  MARRIED   Couple  possessed 
two  Boys  named  Joseph  and 
Clarence.     Joseph   was    much 
the  older.    His  Parents  brought  him  up 
on  a  Plan  of  their  Own.     They  would 
not  permit  him  to  play  with  other  Boys 
for  fear  that  he  would  soil  himself,  and 
learn  to  be  Rude  and  Boisterous. 

So  they  kept  Him  in  the  House,  and 
his  Mother  read  to  him  about  Little 
Rollo,  who  never  lied  or  cheated,  and 
who  grew  up  to  be  a  Bank  President. 
She  seemed  to  think  that  a  Bank  Presi 
dent  was  above  Reproach. 

53 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Little  Joseph  was  kept  away  from  the 
Public  Schools,  and  had  to  Play  Games 
in  the  Garret  with  two  Spindly  Little 
Girls.  He  learned  Tatting  and  the  Her- 
ring-Bone  Stitch.  When  he  was  Ten 
Years  of  age  he  could  play  Chop-Sticks 
on  the  Piano ;  his  Ears  were  Translucent, 
and  his  Front  Teeth  showed  like  those 
of  a  Gray  Squirrel. 

The  other  Boys  used  to  make  Faces 
at  him  over  the  Back  Fence  and  call 
him  "  Sis." 

In  Due  Time  he  went  to  College, 
where  he  proved  to  be  a  Lobster.  The 
Boys  held  him  under  the  Pump  the  first 
Night.  When  he  walked  across  the  Cam 
pus,  they  would  whistle,  "  1  don't  Want 
to  Play  in  Your  Yard."  He  began 
to  drink  Manhattan  Cocktails,  and  he 
smoked  Hemp  Cigarettes  until  he  was 

54 


JOSEPH 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Dotty.  One  Day  he  ran  away  with  a 
Girl  who  waited  on  the  Table  at  his 
Boarding  House,  and  his  Parents  Cast 
him  Off.  At  Present  he  has  charge  of 
the  Cloak  Room  at  a  Dairy  Lunch. 

Seeing  that  the  Home  Training  Ex 
periment  had  been  a  Failure  in  the  case 
of  Joseph,  the  Parents  decided  to  give 
Clarence  a  large  Measure  of  Liberty, 
that  he  might  become  Acquainted  with 
the  Snares  and  Temptations  of  the  World 
while  he  was  Young,  and  thus  be  Pre 
pared  to  side-step  the  Pitfalls  when  he 
was  Older.  They  sent  him  to  the  Public 
Schools ;  they  allowed  him  to  roam  at 
large  with  other  Kids,  and  stay  out  at 
Nights ;  they  kept  Liquor  on  the  Side 
board. 

Clarence  stood  in  with  the  Toughest 
Push  in  Town,  and  thus  became  ac- 
56 


CLARENCE 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


quainted  with  the  Snares  and  Tempta 
tions  of  the  World.  He  learned  to  Chew 
Tobacco  and  Spit  through  his  Teeth, 
shoot  Craps  and  Rush  the  Can. 

When  his  Father  suggested  that  he 
enter  some  Business  House,  and  become 
a  Credit  to  the  Family,  he  growled  like 
a  Boston  Terrier,  and  told  his  Father  to 
go  Chase  Himself. 

At  present,  he  is  working  the  Shells 
with  a  Circus. 

MORAL  :  //  all  depends. 


THE  FABLE  OF  HOW  HE  NEVER 
TOUCHED  GEORGE 

A  COM  1C  Lover  named  George 
was  sitting  on  the. Front  Porch 
with  a  good  Side  Hold  on  your 
old  friend  Mabel.     They  were  looking 
into  each  other's  Eyes  at  Close  Range 
and  using  a  rancid   Line  of  Nursery 
Talk. 

It  was  the  kind  of  Conversation  cal 
culated  to  Jar  a  Person. 

George  murmured  that  Mabel  was 
George's  own  Baby-Daby  and  she  Al 
lowed  that  he  WM  a  Tooney-Wooney 
Ittle  Bad  Boy  to  hold  his  Itsy-Bitsy 
Bun  of  a  Mabel  so  tight  she  could 

59 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


hardly  breave.  It  was  a  sort  of  Dia 
logue  that  Susan  B.  Anthony  would  love 
to  sit  up  Nights  to  Read. 

While  they  were  Clinched,  Mabel's 
Father,  a  large,  Self-Made  Man,  came 
down  the  Stairway  and  out  to  the  Ver 
anda. 

This  is  where  the  Fable  begins  to 
Differentiate. 

Although  the  Girl's  name  was  Mabel 
and  the  Young  Man's  name  was  George, 
and  the  Father  was  a  Self-Made  Man, 
the  Father  did  not  Kick  the  Young 
Man. 

He  asked  him  if  he  had  Anything  to 
Smoke. 

George  gave  him  an  Imported  Pane- 

tella  and  said  He  didn't   believe  it  was 

going  to  Rain.     Mabel's  Father  said  it 

looked  Black  in  the  West,  but  he  Reck- 

60 


MABEL'S  FATHER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


oned  it  might  blow  around,  like  as  not. 
Mabel  said  she  wouldn't  be  a  bit  Sur 
prised  if  it  did  blow  around. 

Mabel's  Father  told  Mabel  she  could 
show  George  where  the  Ice-Box  wuz  in 
case  he  Expressed  a  Hankerin',  and  then 
he  went  down  street  to  examine  some 
Fishing  Tackle  just  purchased  by  a 
Friend  of  his  in  the  Hay  and  Feed 
Business.  Just  as  Father  struck  the 
Cement  Walk  George  changed  to  the 
Strangle  Hold. 

MORAL:  Tfo  Exception  proves  the 
Rule. 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  PREACHER 
WHO  FLEW  HIS  KITE,  BUT  NOT 
BECAUSE  HE  WISHED  TO  DO  SO 

A  CERTAIN    Preacher   became 
wise  to  the  Fact  that  he  was 
not  making   a    Hit  with   his 
Congregation.      The  Parishioners   did 
not  seem  inclined  to  seek  him  out  after 
Services  and  tell  him  he  was  a  Pansy. 
He  suspected  that  they  were  Rapping 
him  on  the  Quiet. 

The  Preacher  knew  there  must  be 
something  wrong  with  his  Talk.  He 
had  taen  trying  to  Expound  in  a  clear 
and  straightforward  Manner,  omitting 
Foreign  Quotations,  setting  up  for  illus- 
63 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


tration  of  his  Points  such  Historical 
Characters  as  were  familiar  to  his  Hear 
ers,  putting  the  stubby  Old  English 
words  ahead  of  the  Latin,  and  rather 
flying  low  along  the  Intellectual  Piane 
of  the  Aggregation  that  chipped  in  to 
pay  his  Salary. 

But  the  Pew -Holders  were  not 
tickled.  They  could  Understand  every 
thing  he  said,  and  they  began  to  think 
he  was  Common. 

So  he  studied  the  Situation  and  de 
cided  that  if  he  wanted  to  Win  them 
and  make  everybody  believe  he  was  a 
Nobby  and  Boss  Minister  he  would 
have  to  hand  out  a  little  GufF.  He  fixed 
it  up  Good  and  Plenty. 

On  the  following  Sunday  Morning 
he  got  up  in  the  Lookout  and  read  a 
Text  that  didn't  mean  anything,  read 
64 


GUFF 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


from  either  Direction,  and  then  he  sized 
up  his  Flock  with  a  Dreamy  Eye  and 
said:  "We  cannot  more  adequately 
voice  the  Poetry  and  Mysticism  of  our 
Text  than  in  those  familiar  Lines  of  the 
great  Icelandic  Poet,  Ikon  Navrojk: 

"To  hold  is  not  to  have — 
Under  the  seared  Firmament, 
Where  Chaos  sweeps,  and  Vast  Futurity 
Sneers  at  these  puny  Aspirations — 
There  is  the  full  Reprisal." 

When  the  Preacher  concluded  this 
Extract  from  the  Well-Known  Icelandic 
Poet  he  paused  and  looked  downward, 
breathing  heavily  through  his  Nose,  like 
Camille  in  the  Third  Act. 

A  Stout  Woman  in  the  Front  Row 
put  on  her  Eye-Glasses  and  leaned  for 
ward  so  as  not  to  miss  Anything.  A 
Venerable  Harness  Dealer  over  at  the 

66 


GOOD    AND    PLENTY 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Right  nodded  his  Head  solemnly.  He 
seemed  to  recognize  the  Quotation. 
Members  of  the  Congregation  glanced 
at  one  another  as  if  to  say:  "This  is 
certainly  Hot  Stuff!" 

The  Preacher  wiped  his  Brow  and 
said  he  had  no  Doubt  that  every  one 
within  the  Sound  of  his  Voice  remem 
bered  what  Quarolius  had  said,  follow 
ing  the  same  Line  of  Thought.  It  was 
Quarolius  who  disputed  the  Contention 
of  the  great  Persian  Theologian  Ramta- 
zuk,  that  the  Soul  in  its  reaching  out 
after  the  Unknowable  was  guided  by 
the  Spiritual  Genesis  of  Motive  rather 
than  by  mere  Impulse  of  Mentality. 
The  Preacher  didn't  know  what  all  This 
meant,  and  he  didn't  care,  but  you  can 
rest  easy  that  the  Pew-Holders  were  On 
in  a  minute.  He  talked  it  off  in  just 

68 


VENERABLE    HARNESS    DEALER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


the  Way  that  Cyrano  talks  when  he 
gets  Roxane  so  Dizzy  that  she  nearly 
falls  off  the  Piazza. 

The  Parishioners  bit  their  Lower 
Lips  and  hungered  for  more  First-Class 
Language.  They  had  paid  their  Money 
for  Tall  Talk  and  were  prepared  to  solve 
any  and  all  Styles  of  Delivery.  They 
held  on  to  the  Cushions  and  seemed  to 
be  having  a  Nice  Time. 

The  Preacher  quoted  copiously  from 
the  Great  Poet  Amebius.  He  recited 
1 8  lines  of  Greek  and  then  said:  "How 
true  this  is!"  And  not  a  Parishioner 
batted  an  Eye. 

It  was  Amebius  whose  Immortal 
Lines  he  recited  121  order  to  prove  the 
Extreme  Error  of  the  Position  assumed 
in  the  Controversy  by  the  Famous 
Italian,  Polenta. 

70 


THE  PREACHER  WHO  FLEW  HIS  KITE 

He  had  them  Going,  and  there  wasn't 
a  Thing  to  it.  When  he  would  get 
tired  of  faking  Philosophy  he  would 
quote  from  a  Celebrated  Poet  of  Ecuador 
or  Tasmania  or  some  other  Seaoort 

l 

Town.  Compared  with  this  Verse,  all 
of  which  was  of  the  same  School  as  the 
Icelandic  Masterpiece,  the  most  obscure 
and  clouded  Passage  in  Robert  Brown 
ing  was  like  a  Plate-Glass  Front  in  a 
State  Street  Candy  Store  just  after  the 
Colored  Boy  gets  through  using  the 
Chamois. 

After  that  he  became  Eloquent,  and 
began  to  get  rid  of  long  Boston  Words 
that  hadn't  been  used  before  that  Sea 
son.  He  grabbed  a  rhetorical  Roman 
Candle  in  each  Hand  and  you  couldn't 
see  him  for  the  Sparks. 

After  which  he  sunk  his  Voice  to 
71 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


a  Whisper  and  talked  about  the  Birds 
and  the  Flowers.  Then,  although  there 
was  no  Cue  for  him  to  Weep,  he  shed 
a  few  real  Tears.  And  there  wasn't  a 
dry  Glove  in  the  Church. 

After  he  sat  down  he  could  tell  by 
the  Scared  Look  of  the  People  in  Front 
that  he  had  made  a  Ten-Strike. 

Did  they  give  him  the  Joyous  Palm 
that  Day?  Sure! 

The  Stout  Lady  could  not  control 
her  Feelings  when  she  told  how  much 
the  Sermon  had  helped  her.  The  ven 
erable  Harness  Dealer  said  he  wished 
to  indorse  the  Able  and  Scholarly  Crit 
icism  of  Polenta. 

In  fact,  every  one   said   the  Sermon 

was  Superfine  and    Dandy,     The  only 

thing  that  worried  the  Congregation  was 

the  Fear  that  if  it  wished  to  retain  such 

72 


THE    JOYOUS    PALM 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


a  Whale  it  might  have  to  Boost  his 
Salary. 

In  the  Meantime  the  Preacher  waited 
for  some  one  to  come  and  ask  about 
Polenta,  Amebius,  Ramtazuk,  Quaro- 
lius  and  the  great  Icelandic  Poet,  Nav- 
rojk.  But  no  one  had  the  Face  to  step 
up  and  confess  his  Ignorance  of  these 
Celebrities.  The  Pew-Holders  didn't 
even  admit  among  themselves  that  the 
Preacher  had  rung  in  some  New  Ones. 
They  stood  Pat,  and  merely  said  it  was 
an  Elegant  Sermon. 

Perceiving  that  they  would  stand  for 
Anything,  the  Preacher  knew  what  to 
do  after  that. 

MORAL:  Give  the  People  what  they 
Think  they  want. 


74 


THE  FABLE  OF  HANDSOME  JETH- 
RO,  WHO  WAS  SIMPLY  CUT 
OUT  TO  BE  A  MERCHANT 

AN    Illinois    Squab    came    home 
from  Business  College  with  a 
Zebra  Collar  and  a  pair  of  Tan 
Shoes  big  enough  for  a  Coal  Miner. 
When  he  alighted  from  the  depot  one 
of  Ezry  Folloson's  Dray    Horses   fell 
over,   stricken  with   the  Cramp  Colic. 
The   usual  Drove  of  Prominent  Citi 
zens  who  had  come  down  to  see  that  the 
Train  got  in  and  out  all  right  backed 
away   from    the    Educated  Youth   and 
Chewed   their   Tobacco  in  Shame  and 
Abashment.     They  knew  that  they  did 
not  belong  on  the  same  Platform  with 
75 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


One  who  had  been  up  yender  in  Chi 
cago  for  goin'  on  Twelve  weeks  finding 
out  how  to  be  a  Business  Man.  By 
Heck! 

An  elderly  Man  approached  the 
Youth  who  had  lately  got  next  to  the 
Rules  of  Commerce.  The  elderly  Man 
was  a  Yap.  He  wore  a  Hickory  Shirt,  a 
discouraged  Straw  Hat,  a  pair  of  Barn- 
Door  Pants  clinging  to  one  lonely  Gal- 
lus  and  woolen  Socks  that  had  settled 
down  over  his  Plow  Shoes.  He  was 
shy  several  Teeth  and  on  his  Chin  was 
a  Tassel  shaped  like  a  Whisk-Broom.  If 
you  had  thrown  a  Pebble  into  this 
Clump  of  Whiskers  probably  you 
would  have  scared  up  a  Field  Mouse 
and  a  couple  of  Meadow  Larks. 

"  Home  agin,  Jethro,  be  ye  ?  "  asked 
the  Parent. 

76 


JETHRO 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"  Yeh,"  replied  the  Educated  Youth. 
With  that  he  pulled  the  Corner  of 
a  Sassy  Silk  Handkerchief  out  of  his 
upper  Coat  Pocket  and  ignited  a  Cigar 
ette  that  smelt  like  Burning  Leaves  in 
the  Fall. 

The  Business  Man  went  Home,  and 
the  Parent  followed  at  a  Respectful 
Distance,  now  and  then  remarking  to 
Himself:  u  Well,  I'll  jest  swan  to  Guin- 
ney ! " 

Brother  Lyford  came  in  from  the 
East  Eighty  to  get  his  Dinner,  and 
there  was  Jethro  in  the  Hammock  read 
ing  a  Great  Work  by  Archibald  Claver- 
ing  Gunter. 

"  Git  into  some  Overhauls  an'  come 
an*  he'p  Me  this  Afternoon,"  said  Ly 
ford. 

"  Oh,  rats  !  Not  on  your  Tintype ! 
78 


PAW 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


I'm  too  strong  to  work,"  replied  Jethro, 
who  had  learned  Oodles  of  slang  up  in 
Chicago,  don't  you  forget  it. 

So  he  wouldn't  Stand  for  the  Har 
vest  Field  that  afternoon.  In  the  Even 
ing  when  Paw  ast  him  to  Milk  he  let  out 
an  Awful  Beller.  Next  Morning  he 
made  a  Horrible  Beef  because  he 
couldn't  get  Loaf  Sugar  for  his  Coffee. 

Shortly  after  Breakfast  his  Paw  lured 
him  into  the  Barn  and  Lit  on  him.  He 
got  a  good  Holt  on  the  Adam's  Apple 
and  choked  the  Offspring  unti  his 
Tongue  stuck  out  like  a  Pistil. 

"  You  dosh-burned  little  Pin-Head  o' 
Misery,  you !"  exclaimed  the  Old  Man. 
"Goll  bing  me  if  I  think  you're  wuth 
the  Powder  to  blow  you  up.  You  peel 
them  Duds  an'  git  to  Work  or  else 
mosey  right  off  o'  this  Farm." 
80 


HANDSOME  JETHRO 


The  Son's  Feelings  were  so  outraged 
by  this  Brutal  Treatment  that  he  left 
the  Farm  that  Day  and  accepted  a  posi 
tion  in  a  Five  and  Ten-Cent  Store,  sell 
ing  Kitchen  Utensils  that  were  made  of 
Tin-Foil  and  Wooden  Ware  that  had 
been  painted  in  Water  Colors.  He  felt 
that  he  was  particularly  adapted  for  a 
Business  Career,  and,  anyway,  he  didn't 
propose  to  go  out  on  No  Man's  Farm 
and  sweat  down  his  Collar. 

After  Ten  Years  of  Unremitting  Ap 
plication  and  Studious  Frugality  the 
Business  Man  had  acquired  in  Real  Es 
tate,  Personal  Property,  Stocks,  Bonds, 
Negotiable  Paper,  and  other  Collateral, 
the  sum  of  Nineteen  Dollars,  but  he 
owed  a  good  deal  more  than  that.  Brother 
Lyford  had  continued  to  be  a  rude  and 
unlettered  Country  Jake.  He  had  240 

Si 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


acres  of  crackin*  Corn  Land  (all  tiled), 
a  big  red  Barn,  four  Span  of  good 
Horses,  sixteen  Head  of  Cattle,  a  likely 
bunch  of  Shoats  and  a  Covered  Buggy. 
MORAL  :  Drink  Deep,  or  Cut  Out 
the  Pierian  Spring  Altogether. 


82 


THE  FABLE  OF  PADUCAH'S  FA 
VORITE  COMEDIANS  AND  THE 
MILDEWED  STUNT 

ONCE  Upon  a  Time  there  was  a 
Specialty  Team  doing  Seven 
teen    Minutes.      The    Props 
used  in  the  Act   included  a  Hatchet,  a 
Brick,   a    Seltzer    Bottle,    two    inflated 
Bladders  and  a  Slap-Stick.  The  Name 
of  the  Team  was  Zoroaster  and  Zenda- 
vesta. 

These  two  Troupers  began  their  Pro 
fessional  Career  with  a  Road  Circus, 
working  on  Canvas  in  the  Morning,  and 
then  doing  a  Refined  Knockabout  in 
the  Grand  Concert  or  Afterpiece  taking 
83 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


place  in  the  Main  Arena  immediately 
after  the  big  Show  is  over. 

When  each  of  them  could  Kick  Him 
self  in  the  Eye  and  Slattery  had  pickled 
his  Face  so  that  Stebbins  could  walk  on 
it,  they  decided  that  they  were  too  good 
to  show  under  a  Round  Top,  so  they 
became  Artists.  They  wanted  a  Swell 
Name  for  the  Team,  so  the  Side-Show 
Announcer,  who  was  something  of  a 
Kidder  and  had  attended  a  Unitarian 
College,  gave  them  Zoroaster  and  Zen- 
davesta.  They  were  Stuck  on  it,  and 
had  a  Job  Printer  do  some  Cards  for 
them. 

By  utilizing  two  of  Pat  Rooney's 
Songs  and  stealing  a  few  Gags,  they  put 
together  Seventeen  Minutes  and  began 
to  play  Dates  and  Combinations. 

Zoroaster  bought  a  Cane  with  a  Silver 
84 


ZOROASTER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Dog's  Head  on  it,  and  Zendavesta  had 
a  Watch  Charm  that  pulled  the  Button 
holes  out  of  his  Vest. 

After  every  Show,  as  soon  as  they 
Washed  Up,  they  went  and  stood  in 
front  of  the  Theater,  so  as  to  give  the 
Hired  Girls  a  Treat,  or  else  they  stood 
around  in  the  Sawdust  and  told  their 
Fellow- Workers  in  the  Realm  of  Dra 
matic  Art  how  they  killed  'em  in  De- 
catur  and  had  'em  hollerin'  in  Lowell, 
Mass.,  and  got  every  Hand  in  the 
House  at  St.  Paul.  Occasionally  they 
would  put  a  Card  in  the  Clipper,  saying 
that  they  were  the  Best  in  the  Business, 
Bar  None,  and  Good  Dressers  on  and  off 
the  Stage.  Regards  to  Leonzo  Broth 
ers.  Charley  Diamond  please  write. 

They  didn't  have  to  study  no  New 
Gags  or  work  up  no  more  Business, 

86 


PADUCAH'S  FAVORITE   COMEDIANS 

becuz  they  had  the  Best  Act  on  Earth 
to  begin  with.  Lillian  Russell  was  jeal 
ous  of  them  and  they  used  to  know 
Francis  Wilson  when  he  done  a  Song 
and  Dance. 

They  had  a  Scrap  Book  with  a  Clip 
ping  from  a  Paducah  Paper,  which  said 
that  they  were  better  than  Nat  Goodwin. 
When  some  Critic  who  had  been 
bought  up  by  Rival  Artists  wrote  that 
Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta  ought  to  be 
on  an  Ice  Wagon  instead  of  on  the 
Stage,  they  would  get  out  the  Scrap 
Book  and  read  that  Paducah  Notice 
and  be  thankful  that  all  Critics  wasn't 
Cheap  Knockers  and  that  there  was  one 
Paper  Guy  in  the  United  States  that 
reckanized  a  Neat  Turn  when  he  seen  it. 

But  Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta  didn't 
know  that  the  Dramatic  Editor  of  the 
87 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Paducah  Paper  went  to  a  Burgoo  Picnic 
the  Day  the  Actors  came  to  Town,  and 
didn't  get  back  until  Midnight,  so  he 
wrote  his  Notice  of  the  Night  Owls1 
performance  from  a  Programme  brought 
to  him  by  the  Head  Usher  at  the  Opera 
House,  who  was  also  Galley  Boy  at  the 
Office. 

Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta  played  the 
same  Sketch  for  Seventeen  Years  and 
made  only  two  important  Changes  in 
all  that  Time.  During  the  Seventh 
Season  Zoroaster  changed  his  Whiskers 
from  Green  to  Blue.  At  the  beginning 
of  the  Fourteenth  Year  of  the  Act  they 
bought  a  new  Slap-Stick  and  put  a  Card 
in  the  Clipper  warning  the  Public  to  be 
ware  of  Imitators. 

All  during  the  Seventeen  Years  Zo 
roaster  and  Zendavesta  continued  to  walk 

88 


ZENDAVESTA 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Chesty  and  tell  People  how  Good  they 
were.  They  never  could  Understand 
why  the  Public  stood  for  Mansfield 
when  it  could  get  Zoroaster  and  Zenda- 
vesta.  The  Property  Man  gave  it  as 
his  Opinion  that  Mansfield  conned  the 
Critics.  Zendavesta  said  there  was  only 
one  Critic  on  the  Square,  and  he  was  at 
Paducah. 

When  the  Vodeviile  Craze  came 
along  Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta  took 
their  Paducah  Scrap  Book  over  to  a 
Manager,  and  he  Booked  them.  Zo 
roaster  assured  the  Manager  that  Him 
and  his  Partner  do/\e  a  Refined  Act, 
suitable  for  Women  arid  Children,  with 
a  strong  Finish,  which  had  been  the  Talk 
of  all  Galveston.  The  Manager  put 
them  in  between  the  Trained  Ponies  and 
a  Legit  with  a  Bad  Cold.  When  a 
90 


PADUCAH'S   FAVORITE  COMEDIANS 

Legit  loses  his  Voice  he  goes  into  Vode- 
ville. 

Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta  came  on 
very  Cocky,  and  for  the  7, Sooth  Time 
Zoroaster  asked  Zendavesta: 

"Who  wuz  it  I  seen  you  ccmin'  up 
the  Street  with?" 

Then,  for  the  7, Sooth  Time,  by  way 
of  Mirth-Provoking  Rejoinder,  Zenda 
vesta  kicked  Zoroaster  in  the  Stomach, 
after  which  the  Slap-Stick  was  introduced 
as  a  Sub-Motive. 

The  Manager  gave  a  Sign  and  the 
Stage  Hands  Closed  in  on  the  Best 
Team  in  the  Business,  Bar  None*  f 

Of  course  Zoroaster  and  Zendavesta 
were  very  sore  at  having  their  Act 
killed.  They  said  it  was  no  way  to  treat 
Artists.  The  Manager  told  them  they 
were  too  Tart  for  words  to  tell  it  and  to 
91 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


consider  Themselves  set  back  into  the 
Supper  Show.  Then  They  saw  through 
the  whole  Conspiracy.  The  Manager 
was  Mansfield's  Friend  and  Mansfield 
was  out  with  his  Hammer. 

At  Present  they  are  doing  Two  Sup 
per  Turns  to  the  Piano  Player  and  a 
Day  Watchman.  They  are  still  the 
Best  in  the  Business,  but  are  being  used 
Dead  Wrong.  However,  they  derive 
some  Comfort  from  reading  the  Paducah 
Notice. 

MORAL  :  A  Dramatic  Editor  should 
never  go  to  a  Burgoo  Picnic — especially 
in  Kentucky. 


THE  FABLE  OF  FLORA  AND 
ADOLPH  AND  A  HOME  GONE 
WRONG 

ONE  morning   a    Modern   Sol 
omon,  who  had  been  chosen 
to  preside  as  Judge  in  a  Di 
vorce  Mill,  climbed  to  his  Perch  and 
unbuttoned  his  Vest  for  the  Wearisome 
Grind.     He  noticed  that  the  first  Case 
looming  up  on  the  Docket  was  that  of 
Flora  Botts  vs.  Adolph  Botts. 

The  Applicant,  Mrs.  Botts,  and 
Adolph,  the  Other  Half  of  the  Domes 
tic  Sketch,  were  already  inside  the  Rail 
ing,  each  attempting  to  look  the  other 
out  of  Countenance. 

93 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"Break!"  ordered  the  Judge.  "Don't 
act  as  if  you  were  at  Home.  Now, 
what  has  Adolph  been  doing  ? " 

It  seemed  that  she  alleged  Cruelty, 
Neglect,  Inhuman  Treatment,  Violent 
Temper,  Threats,  etc.,  etc. 

"  We  have  no  Chills-and-Fever  Mu 
sic  to  lend  Effect  to  the  Sad  Narrative 
you  are  about  to  Spring/'  said  the  Judge, 
looking  down  at  the  Plaintiff,  who 
belonged  to  the  Peroxide  Tribe. 
"Furthermore,  we  will  take  it  for 
granted  that  when  you  first  met  De 
fendant  your  Innocence  and  Youth  made 
it  a  Walkaway  for  his  Soft  Approaches, 
and  that  you  had  every  Reason  to  believe 
that  he  was  a  Perfect  Gentleman.  Hav 
ing  disposed  of  these  Preliminaries,  let 
us  have  the  Plot  of  the  Piece." 

So  she  told  her  Story  in  a  Tremu- 

94 


MODERN    SOLOMON 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


lous,  Viola  Allen  kind  of  Voice,  while  her 
Lawyer  wept. 

He  was  ready  to  Weep  for  anyone 
who  would  hand  him  $8.  Afterthought 
—make  it  $7. 50. 

It  was  a  Dark  Tale  of  how  Botts,  the 
Viperish  Defendant,  had  Sneered  at  her, 
called  her  Oh-Such-Names,  humiliated 
her  in  the  presence  of  Callers,  and 
nagged  her  with  Sarcastic  Comments 
until  her  Tender  Sensibilities  had  been 
worn  to  a  Frazzle. 

Then  the  Defendant  went  on  the 
Stand  and  entered  a  General  Denial. 
He  had  been  all  that  a  Rattling  Good 
Husband  could  be,  but  she  had  been  a 
regular  Rudyard  Kipling  Vampire.  She 
hi.d  continued  to  make  his  Life  one  lin 
gering  Day-After  of  Regret.  His  Rec 
ord  for  Patience  and  Long- Suffering 
95 


THE    VIPER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


had  made  Job's  Performance  look  like 
an  Amateur's  Half-Try. 

"  There  is  more  in  this  Case  than  ap 
pears  on  the  Surface,"  said  the  Modern 
Solomon.  "In  order  to  fix  the  Blame 
we  shall  have  to  dig  up  the  First  Cause. 
I  will  ask  Chemical  Flora  to  tell  us  the 
Story  of  her  Past  Life." 

"My  Parents  were  Poor, but  Refined," 
said  Mrs.  Botts.  "They  gave  me 
Every  Advantage.  After  I  finished  the 
High  School  I  attended  a  Conservatory, 
and  every  one  said  I  had  Talent.  I 
should  have  been  an  Elocutionist.  Once 
I  went  to  Rockford  and  recited  "The 
Tramp's  Story  "  at  a  Club  Social,  and  I 
got  a  Lovely  Notice.  I  am  especially 
good  at  Dialect  Recitations." 

"  Humorous  ?  "  asked  the  Court. 

"Yes,  sir;  but  I  can  turn  right 
98  . 


CHEMICAL    FLORA 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


around  and  be  Pathetic  all  of  a  sudden, 
if  I  want  to  be." 

"  I  suppose  that  Botts,  after  he  had 
lived  with  you  for  awhile,  didn't  have 
any  Hankering  Desire  to  hear  you  Re 
cite/'  suggested  the  Modern  Solomon. 

"That's  just  it.  When  I'd  offer  to 
get  up  in  Cor:  p any  and  speak  Some 
thing  he'd  ask  me  please  not  to  Recite, 
and  if  I  had  to  make  a  Show  of  myself, 
for  God's  Sake  not  to  tackle  anything 
Humorous,  with  a  Conservatory  Dia 
lect  to  it." 

"  But  you  wouldn't  let  him  Stop 
you  ? " 

"  Not  on  your  Life." 

"  I'd  believe  you,  even  if  you  wasn't 
under  Oath.  Now,  will  Mr.  Botts 
answer  me  one  Question  ?  Has  he  any 
Ambition  on  the  Side  ? " 

100 


FLORA   AND  ADOLPH 


"  Although  I  am  a  Bookkeeper  for  a 
Gravel-Roofing  Concern,  I  have  always 
believed  I  could  Write,"  replied 
Adolph  Botts.  "About  four  years  ago 
I  began  to  prepare  the  Book  for  a 
Comic  Opera.  A  Friend  of  mine  who 
works  in  a  Hat  Store  was  to  Compose 
the  Music.  I  think  he  has  more  Abil 
ity  than  Victor  Herbert/' 

"Did  this  Friend  think  Well  of  your 
Libretto?"  asked  the  Wise  Judge. 

"Yes,  sir;  he  said  it  was  the  Best 
Thing  that  had  been  done  since  cEr- 
minie.'  In  fact,  everybody  liked  my 
Book." 

"  Except  your  Wife,"  suggested  the 
Court. 

"  That's  it,  exactly.  I  wanted  Sym 
pathy  and  Encouragement  and  she  gave 
me  the  Metallic  Laugh.  There  is  one 


101 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Patter  Song  in  my  Opera  that  Every  One 
who  comes  to  my  House  has  been  Crazy 
to  hear.  Whenever  I  started  to  Sing 
it  she  would  talk  in  a  loud  Voice. 
She  never  seemed  to  Appreciate  my 
Stuff.  I  think  the  Bleach  affected  her 
Head." 

"Has  the  Opera  been  produced  ?  " 
asked  the  Court,  with  Humane  Hesi 
tancy. 

"No,  the  Eastern  Managers  were  all 
tied  up  with  Harry  B.  Smith/'  replied 
Mr.  Botts.  "  Then  there's  a  Prejudice 
against  Western  Talent." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Botts,  in  View  of  all  the 
Evidence,  I  have  decided  to  give  you  a 
Decree  of  Divorce  from  Flo  of  the 
Wheaten  Tresses,"  said  the  Modern 
Solomon. 

"  But  look  here  !  "  exclaimed  the  De- 

102 


FLORA   AND  ADOLPH 


fendant,  <c  I  haven't  applied  for  any 
Divorce." 

"  You  don't  have  to.  I  give  it  to  you 
anyway.  As  for  you,  Mrs.  Botts,  I  will 
give  you  a  Decree  also.  The  Alimony 
will  be  $25  per." 

"  Thanks." 

"  I  don't  think  you  grasp  the  Deci 
sion.  When  I  say  that  the  Alimony  is 
$25  per,  I  mean  that  Mrs.  Botts  will  be 
required  to  pay  that  Amount  to  Adolph 
every  week." 

"  Shameful !  " 

"  Don't  be  too  hasty.  I  further  De 
cree  that  Mr.  Botts  must  pay  the  same 
Amount  to  Flora  every  Week." 

"  That  simply  makes  it  a  Stand- 
Off,"  remarked  Mr.  Botts,  who  was 
puzzled. 

"My  idea  of  the  Case,  neatly  ex- 
103 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


pressed,"  said  the  Modern  Solomon. 
"Each  of  you  is  Divorced  from  the 
Other,  and  if  Either  of  you  ever  Mar 
ries  again,  He  or  She  will  be  jerked  be 
fore  this  Tribunal  and  sentenced  to  Ten 
Years  of  Hard  Labor  in  some  Penal 
Institution/* 

Whereupon  the  Court  took  a  Noon 
Recess  of  3^  hours. 

Moral:  Genius  must  ever  walk 
Alone. 


104 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  COPPER  AND 
THE  JOVIAL  UNDERGRADS 

ONE    Night    three    Well -Bred 
Young  Men,  who  were  enter 
tained    at    the    Best    Houses 
wherever  they  went,  started  out  to  Wreck 
a  College  town. 

They  licked  two  Hackmen,  set  fire  to 
an  Awning,  pulled  down  many  Signs, 
and  sent  a  Brick  through  the  Front  Win 
dow  of  a  Tailor  Shop.  All  the  Residents 
of  the  Town  went  into  their  Houses  and 
locked  the  Doors  ;  Terror  brooded  over 
the  Community. 

A  Copper  heard  the  Racket,  and  saw 
Women  and  Children  fleeing  to  Places 
105 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


of  Safety,  so  he  gripped  his  Club  and  ran 
Ponderously,  overtaking  the  three  Well- 
Bred  Young  Men  in  a  dark  part  of  the 
Street,  where  they  were  Engaged  in  tear 
ing  down  a  Fence. 

He  could  not  see  them  Distinctly,  and 
he  made  the  Mistake  of  assuming  that 
they  were  Drunken  Ruffians  from  the  Iron 
Foundry.  So  he  spoke  harshly,  and  told 
them  to  Leave  Off  breaking  the  Man's 
Fence.  His  Tone  and  Manner  irritated 
the  University  Men,  who  were  not  accus 
tomed  to  Rudeness  from  Menials. 

One  Student,  who  wore  a  Sweater,  and 
whose  people  butt  into  the  Society  Col 
umn  with  Sickening  Regularity,  started 
to  Tackle  Low ;  he  had  Bushy  Hair 
and  a  Thick  Neck,  and  his  strong 
Specialty  was  to  swing  on  Policemen 
and  Cabbies. 

106 


STUDENT 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


At  this,  his  Companion,  whose  Great 
Grandmother  had  been  one  of  the  eight 
thousand  Close  Relatives  of  John  Ran 
dolph,  asked  him  not  to  Kill  the  Police 
man.  He  said  the  Fellow  had  made 
a  Mistake,  that  was  all ;  they  were  not 
Muckers  ;  they  were  Nice  Boys,  intent 
on  preserving  the  Traditions  of  dear  old 
Alma  Mater. 

The  Copper  could  hardly  Believe  it 
until  they  led  him  to  a  Street  Lamp,  and 
showed  him  their  Engraved  Cards  and 
Junior  Society  Badges ;  then  he  Realized 
that  they  were  All  Right.  The  third 
Well-Bred  Young  Man,  whose  Male 
Parent  got  his  Coin  by  wrecking  a  Build 
ing  Association  in  Chicago,  then  an 
nounced  that  they  were  Gentlemen,  and 
could  Pay  for  everything  they  broke. 
Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  they  were  Rol- 
108 


THE    COPPER   AND    UNDERGRADS 

licking  College  Boys  and  not  Common 
Rowdies. 

The  Copper,  perceiving  that  he  had 
come  very  near  getting  Gay  with  our 
First  Families,  Apologized  for  Cutting 
In.  The  Weil-Bred  Young  Men  for 
gave  him,  and  then  took  his  Club  away 
from  him,  just  to  Demonstrate  that  there 
were  no  Hard  Feelings.  On  the  way  back 
to  the  Seat  of  Learning  they  captured 
a  Night  Watchman,  and  put  him  down 
a  Man-Hole. 

MORAL  :  Always  select  the  Right  Sort 
of  Parents  before  you  start  in  to  be  Rough. 


109 


THE  FABLE    OF  THE  PROFESSOR 
WHO  WANTED  TO  BE  ALONE 

NOW  it  happens  that  in  Amer 
ica  a  man  who  goes  up  hang 
ing  to  a  Balloon  is  a  Professor. 
One   day   a  Professor,  preparing  to 
make  a    Grand  Ascension,  was   sorely 
pestered  by  Spectators  of  the  Yellow- 
Hammer  Variety,   who    fell    over   the 
Stay-Ropes  or  crowded  up  close  to  the 
Balloon  to  ask  Fool  Questions.     They 
wanted  to  know  how  fur  up  he  Calkilated 
to  go  and  was  he  Afeerd  and  how  often 
had  he  did  it.     The  Professor  answered 
them  in  the  Surly  Manner  peculiar  to 
Showmen  accustomed  to  meet  a  Web- 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Foot  Population.  On  the  Q.  T.  the 
Prof,  had  Troubles  of  his  own.  He  was 
expected  to  drop  in  at  a  Bank  on  the 
following  Day  and  take  up  a  Note  for 
100  Plunks.  The  Ascension  meant  50 
to  him,  but  how  to  Corral  the  other  50  ? 
That  was  the  Hard  One. 

This  question  was  in  his  Mind  as  he 
took  hold  of  the  Trapeze  Bar  and  sig 
naled  the  Farm  Hands  to  let  go.  As 
he  trailed  Skyward  beneath  the  buoyant 
silken  Bag  he  hung  by  his  Knees  and 
waved  a  glad  Adieu  to  the  Mob  of  In 
quisitive  Yeomen.  A  Sense  of  Relief 
came  to  him  as  he  saw  the  Crowd  sink 
away  in  the  Distance. 

Hanging  by  one  Toe,  and  with  his 
right  Palm  pressed  to  his  Eyes,  he  said : 
"  Now  that  I  am  Alone,  let  me  Think, 
let  me  Think/* 

112 


THE    PROFESSOR 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


There  in  the  Vast  Silence  He 
Thought. 

Presently  he  gave  a  sigh  of  Relief. 

"  I  will  go  to  my  Wife's  Brother  and 
make  a  Quick  Touch,"  he  said.  "If 
he  refuses  to  Unbelt  I  will  threaten  to 
tell  his  Wife  of  the  bracelet  he  bought 
in  Louisville." 

Having  reached  this  Happy  Conclu 
sion,  he  loosened  the  Parachute  and 
quickly  descended  to  the  Earth. 

MORAL  :     Avoid  Crowds. 


THE    FABLE     OF    A    STATESMAN 
WHO  COULDN'T  MAKE  GOOD 

ONCE  there  was  a  Bluff  whose 
Long  Suit  was  Glittering  Gen 
eralities. 

He  hated  to  Work  and  it  hurt  his 
Eyes  to  read  Law,  but  on  a  Clear  Day 
he  could  be  heard  a  Mile>  so  he  became 
a  Statesman. 

Whenever  the  Foresters  had  a  Picnic 
they  invited  him  to  make  the  Principal 
Address.,  because  he  was  the  only  Orator 
who  could  beat  out  the  Merry-Go- 
Round. 

The  Habit  of  Dignity  enveloped  him. 
Upon  his  Brow  Deliberation  sat.    He 
"5 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


wore  a  Fireman's  moustache  and  a 
White  Lawn  Tie,  and  he  loved  to  Talk 
about  the  Flag. 

At  a  Clam-Bake  in  1884  he  hurled 
Defiance  at  all  the  Princes  and  Poten 
tates  of  Europe,  and  the  Sovereign 
Voters,  caught  up  by  his  Matchless 
Eloquence  and  Unswerving  Courage, 
elected  him  to  the  Legislature. 

While  he  was  in  the  Legislature  he 
discovered  that  these  United  States 
were  an  Asylum  for  the  Down-Trodden 
and  oppressed  of  the  Whole  World, 
and  frequently  called  Attention  to  the 
Fact.  When  some  one  asked  him  if 
he  was  cutting  up  any  Easy  Money  or 
would  it  be  safe  for  a  Man  with  a 
Watch  to  go  to  Sleep  in  the  same  Room 
with  him,  he  would  take  a  Drink  of 
Water  and  begin  to  plead  for  Cuba. 

116 


JTATESA1AN 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Once  an  Investigating  Committee  got 
after  him  and  he  was  about  to  be  Shown 
Up  for  Dallying  with  Corporations,  but 
he  put  on  a  fresh  White  Tie  and  made 
a  Speech  about  our  Heroic  Dead  on  a 
Hundred  Battle-Fields,  and  Most  Peo 
ple  said  it  was  simply  Impossible  for 
such  a  Thunderous  Patriot  to  be  a 
Crook.  So  he  played  the  Glittering 
Generality  stronger  than  ever. 

In  Due  Time  he  Married  a  Widow 
of  the  Bantam  Division.  The  Reason 
she  married  him  was  that  he  looked  to 
her  to  be  a  Coming  Congressman  and 
she  wanted  to  get  a  Whack  at  Washing 
ton  Society.  Besides,  she  lived  in  a 
Flat  and  the  Janitor  would  not  permit 
her  to  keep  a  Dog. 

About  Ten  Days  after  they  were 
Married  he  came  Home  at  4  A.  M.  in  a 
118 


THE    BANTAM 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Sea-Going  Hack  and  he  was  Saturated. 
Next  Morning  she  had  him  up  on  the 
Carpet  and  wanted  to  know  How 
About  It. 

He  arose  and  put  his  Right  Hand  in 
side  of  his  Prince  Albert  Coat  and  began. 

"Madam,"  he  said,  "During  a  Long, 
and,  I  trust,  a  not  altogether  fruitless 
Career  as  a  Servant  of  the  Peepul,  I 
have  always  stood  in  the  Fierce  Light 
of  Publicity,  and  my  Record  is  an  Open 
Book  which  he  who  runs  may " 

"Nix!  Nix!"  she  said,  rapping  for 
order  with  a  Tea-Cup.  "Let  go  of  the 
Flying  Rings.  Get  back  to  the  Green 
Earth!" 

He  dilated  his  Nostrils  and  said: 
"From  the  Rock-Bound  Hills  of  Maine 
in  the  North  to  the  Everglades  of  Flor 
ida " 

120 


A  STATESMAN 


"Forget  the  Everglades,"  she  said, 
rapping  again.  "That  Superheated  At 
mosphere  may  have  a  certain  Tonic 
Effect  on  the  Hydrocephalous  Voter, 
but  if  you  want  to  adjust  yourself  with 
Wifey,  you  come  down  to  Cases." 

So  he  went  out  after  Breakfast  and 
bought  a  $21  Hat  in  order  to  Square 
himself. 

MORAL:  Some  Women  should  be  given 
the  Right  to  Vote. 


121 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  BRASH 
DRUMMER  AND  THE  PEACH 
WHO  LEARNED  THAT  THERE 
WERE  OTHERS 

A  WELL-FIXED   Mortgage 
Shark,  residing  at  a  Way  Sta 
tion,   had  a  Daughter  whose 
Experience  was  not  as  large  as  her  pros 
pective  Bank  Roll.   She  had  all  the  com- 
ponent  Parts  of  a  Peach,  but  she  didn't 
know  how  to  make  a  Showing,  and  there 
was  nobody  in  Town  qualified  to  give 
her  a  quiet  Hunch. 

She  got  her  Fashion  Hints  from  a 
Trade  Catalogue,  and  took  her  Tips  on 
Etiquette  and  Behavior  from  the  Ques- 
123 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


tions  and  Answers  Department  of  an 
Agricultural  Monthly. 

The  Girl  and  her  Father  lived  in  a 
big  White  House,  with  Evergreen  Trees 
and  whitewashed  Dornicks  in  front  of  it, 
and  a  Wind- Pump  at  the  rear.  Father 
was  a  good  deal  the  same  kind  of  a  Man 
as  David  Harum,  except  that  he  didn't 
let  go  of  any  Christmas  Presents,  or  work 
the  Soft  Pedal  when  he  had  a  chance  to 
apply  a  Crimp  to  some  Widow  who  had 
seen  Better  Days.  In  fact,  Daughter 
was  the  only  one  on  Earth  who  could 
induce  him  to  Loosen  Up. 

Now,  it  happened  that  there  came  to 
this  Town  every  Thirty  Days  a  brash 
Drummer,  who  represented  a  Tobacco 
House.  He  was  a  Gabby  Young  Man, 
and  he  could  Articulate  at  all  Times, 
whether  he  had  anything  to  Say  or  not. 
124 


DAUGHTER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


One  night,  at  a  Lawn  Fete  given  by 
the  Ladies  of  the  Methodist  Congrega 
tion,  he  met  Daughter.  She  noticed  that 
his  Trousers  did  not  bag  at  the  Knees; 
also  that  he  wore  a  superb  Ring.  They 
strolled  under  the  Maples,  and  he  talked 
what  is  technically  known  as  Hot  Air. 
He  made  an  Impression  considerably 
deeper  than  himself.  She  promised  to 
Correspond. 

On  the  occasion  of  his  next  Visit  to 
the  Way  Station,  he  let  her  wear  his 
Ring,  and  made  a  Wish,  while  she  took 
him  riding  in  the  Phaeton.  He  began 
to  carry  her  Photograph  in  his  Watch, 
and  show  it  to  the  Boys  employed  at  the 
House.  Sometimes  he  would  fold  over 
one  of  her  Letters  so  they  could  see  how 
it  started  out.  He  said  the  Old  Man 
had  Nothing  But,  and  he  proposed  to 
226 


IN    THE    EAST 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


make  it  a  case  of  Marry.  Truly,  it 
seemed  that  he  was  the  principal  Cake 
in  the  Pantry,  and  little  did  he  suspect 
that  he  could  be  Frosted. 

But  Daughter,  after  much  Pleading, 
induced  Father  to  send  her  to  a  Finish 
ing  School  in  the  East.  (A  Finishing 
School  is  a  Place  at  which  Young  Ladies  t 
are  taught  how  to  give  the  Quick  Finish 
to  all  Persons  who  won't  do.) 

At  School,  the  Daughter  tied  up 
with  a  Chum,  who  seldom  overlooked 
a  Wednesday  Matinee,  and  she  learned 
more  in  three  Weeks  than  her  Child 
hood  Home  could  have  shown  her  in 
three  Centuries. 

Now  she  began  to  see  the  other  Kind ; 
the  Kind  that  Wears  a  Cutaway,  with  a 
White  Flower,  in  the  Morning,  a  Frock, 


128 


A    STRANGE    MAN 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


with  Violets,  in  the  Afternoon,  and  a 
jimmy  little  Tuxedo  at  Night. 

For  the  first  time  she  began  to  listen 
to  Harness  that  had  Chains  to  it,  and 
she  rode  in  Vehicles  that  permitted  her 
to  glance  in  at  the  Second  Stories. 

She  stopped  wearing  Hats,  and  began 
to  choose  Confections.  She  selected 
them  Languidly,  three  at  a  time. 

Then  the  Bill  to  the  Way  Station, 
and  Father  down  with  Heart  Failure. 

She  kept  Mr.  Sothern's  Picture  on 
her  Dresser,  with  two  Red  Candles  burn 
ing  in  front  of  it,  and  every  time  she 
thought  of  Gabby  Will,  the  Cracker- 
jack  Salesman,  she  reached  for  the 
Peau  d'Espagne  and  sprayed  herself. 

******** 

One  Day  when  the  Tobacco  Sales 
man    came    up   Main    Street  with    his 
130 


THE  BRASH   DRUMMER 


Grips,  on  his  way  to  visit  the  Trade, 
he  met  the  Drug  Clerk,  who  told  him 
that  She  was  Home  on  a  Visit.  So  he 
hurried  through  with  his  Work,  got 
a  Shave,  changed  ends  on  his  Cuffs, 
pared  his  Nails,  bought  a  box  of  Marsh- 
mallows,  and  went  out  to  the  House.  . 

Daughter  was  on  the  Lawn,  seated 
under  a  Canopy  that  had  set  Father 
back  thirty-two  Dollars.  There  was  a 
Hired  Hand  sprinkling  the  Grass  with 
a  Hose,  and  as  Will,  the  Conversational 
Drummer,  came  up  the  Long  Walk, 
Daughter  called  to  the  Hired  Hand,  and 
said :  "  Johnson,  there  is  a  Strange  Man 
coming  up  the  Walk ;  change  the  Direc 
tion  of  the  Stream  somewhat,  else  you 
may  Dampen  him/' 

The  Drummer  approached  her,  feel 
ing  of  his  Necktie,  and  wondered  if  she 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


would  up  and  Kiss  him,  right  in  broad 
Daylight.  She  didn't.  Daughter  allowed 
a  rose-colored  Booklet,  by  Guy  de  Mau 
passant,  to  sink  among  the  Folds  of  her 
French  Gown,  and  then  she  Looked  at 
him,  and  said:  "All  Goods  must  be 
delivered  at  the  Rear." 

"  Don't  you  Know  me  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  Rully,  it  seems  to  me  I  have  seen 
you,  Somewhere,"  she  replied,  "  but  I 
cahn't  place  you.  Are  you  the  Man  who 
tunes  the  Piano  ?  " 

"  Don't  you  remember  the  night  I 
met  you  at  the  Lawn  Fete  ?  "  he  asked ; 
and  then,  Chump  that  he  was,  and  all 
Rattled,  he  told  her  his  Name,  instead 
of  giving  her  the  scorching  Come-Back 
that  he  composed  next  Day,  when  it  was 
Too  Late. 

"  I  meet  so  many  People  traveling 
132 


THE  BRASH   DRUMMER 


about,"  she  said ;  "  I  cahn't  remember 
all  of  them,  you  know.  I  dare  say  you 
called  to  see  Pu-pah ;  he  will  be  here 
Presently/' 

Then  she  gave  him  "  Some  one's 
else,"  "  Neyether,"  "  Savoir-Faire,"  and 
a  few  other  Crisp  Ones,  hot  from  the 
Finishing  School,  after  which  she  asked 
him  how  the  Dear  Villagers  were  com 
ing  on.  He  reminded  her  that  he  did 
not  live  in  the  Town.  She  said  :  "  Only 
Fahncy  ! "  and  he  said  he  guessed  he'd 
have  to  be  Going,  as  he  had  promised 
a  Man  to  meet  him  at  Jordan's  Store 
before  the  Bank  closed. 

As  he  moved  toward  the  St.  Nicholas 
Hotel  he  kept  his  Hand  on  his  Solar 
Plexus.  At  five  o'clock  he  rode  out 
of  Town  on  a  Local. 

MORAL  :    Anybody    can    Win    unless 
there  happens  to  be  a  Second  Entry. 
133 


THE  FABLE  OF  SISTER  MAE, 
WHO  DID  AS  WELL  AS  COULD 
BE  EXPECTED 

TWO   Sisters  lived  in   Chicago, 
the  Home  of  Opportunity. 
Luella  was  a  Good  Girl,  who 
had  taken  Prizes  at  the  Mission  Sun 
day  School,  but  she  was  Plain,  much. 
Her  Features  did  not  seem  to  know  the 
value  of  Team  Work.     Her  Clothes  fit 
her  Intermittently,  as  it  were.     She  was 
what  would  be  called  a  Lumpy  Dresser. 
But  she  had  a  good  Heart. 

Luella  found  Employment  at  a  Hat 
Factory.    All  she  had  to  do  was  to  put 
Red  Linings  in  Hats  for  the  Country 
135 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Trade;  and  every  Saturday  Evening, 
when  Work  was  called  on  account  of 
Darkness,  the  Boss  met  her  as  she  went 
out  and  crowded  three  Dollars  on  her. 

The  other  Sister  was  Different. 

She  began  as  Mary,  then  changed  to 
Marie,  and  her  Finish  was  Mae. 

From  earliest  Youth  she  had  lacked 
Industry  and  Application. 

She  was  short  on  Intellect  but  long 
on  Shape. 

The  Vain  Pleasures  of  the  World 
attracted  her.  By  skipping  the  Long 
Words  she  could  read  how  Rupert  Ban- 
siford  led  Sibyl  Gray  into  the  Conserv 
atory  and  made  Love  that  scorched  the 
Begonias.  Sometimes  she  just  Ached 
to  light  out  with  an  Opera  Company. 

When  she  couldn't  stand  up  Luella 
for  any  more  Car  Fare  she  went  out  look- 
136 


THE    BOSS 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


ing  for  Work,  and  hoping  she  wouldn't 
find  it.  The  sagacious  Proprietor  of 
a  Lunch  Room  employed  her  as  Cash 
ier.  In  a  little  While  she  learned  to 
count  Money,  and  could  hold  down 
the  Job. 

Marie  was  a  Strong  Card.  The  Male 
Patrons  of  the  Establishment  hovered 
around  the  Desk  long  after  paying  their 
Checks.  Within  a  Month  the  Receipts 
of  the  Place  had  doubled. 

It  was  often  remarked  that  Marie  was 
a  Pippin.  Her  Date  Book  had  to  be 
kept  on  the  Double  Entry  System. 

Although  her  Grammar  was  Sad,  it 
made  no  Odds.  Her  Picture  was  on 
many  a  Button. 

A  Credit  Man  from  the  Wholesale 
House  across  the  Street  told  her  that 
any  time  she  wanted  to  see  the  Tele- 
138 


MAE 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 

graph  Poles  rush  past,  she  could  tear 
Transportation  out  of  his  Book.  But 
Marie  turned  him  down  for  a  Bucket 
Shop  Man,  who  was  not  Handsome,  but 
was  awful  Generous. 

They  were  Married,  and  went  to  live 
in  a  Flat  with  a  Quarter-Sawed  Oak 
Chiffonier  and  Pink  Rugs.  She  was 
Mae  at  this  Stage  of  the  Game. 

Shortly  after  this,  Wheat  jumped 
twenty-two  points,  and  the  Husband 
didn't  do  a  Thing. 

Mae  bought  a  Thumb  Ring  and  a 
Pug  Dog,  and  began  to  speak  of  the 
Swede  Help  as  "  T^e  Maid." 

Then  she  decided  that  she  wanted  to 
live  in  a  House,  because,  in  a  Flat,  One 
could  never  be  sure  of  One's  Neighbors. 
So  they  moved  into  a  Sarcophagus  on 
the  Boulevard,  right  in  between  two  Old 
140 


SISTER   MAE 


Families,  who  had  made  their  Money 
soon  after  the  Fire,  and  Ice  began  to 
form  on  the  hottest  Days. 

Mae  bought  an  Automobile,  and  blew 
her  Allowance  against  Beauty  Doctors. 
The  Smell  of  Cooking  made  her  Faint, 
and  she  couldn't  see  where  the  Working 
Classes  came  in  at  all. 

When  she  attended  the  theater  a  Box 
was  none  too  good.  Husband  went 
along,  in  evening  clothes  and  a  Yacht 
ing  Cap,  and  he  had  two  large  Diamonds 
in  his  Shirt  Front. 

Sometimes  she  went  to  a  Vogner  Con 
cert,  and  sat  through  it,  and  she  wouldn't 
Admit  any  more  that  the  Russell  Broth 
ers,  as  the  Irish  Chambermaids,  hit  her 
just  about  Right. 

She  was  determined  to  break  into  So 
ciety  if  she  had  to  use  an  Ax. 
141 


FABLES    /#  SLANG 


At  last  she  Got  There ;  but  it  cost  her 
many  a  Reed  Bird  and  several  Gross 
of  Cold  Quarts. 

In  the  Hey-Day  of  Prosperity  did 
Mae  forget  Luella  ?  No,  indeed. 

She  took  Luella  away  from  the  Hat 
Factory,  where  the  Pay  was  three  Dol 
lars  a  Week,  and  gave  her  a  Position 
as  Assistant  Cook  at  five  Dollars. 

MORAL:  Industry  and  Perseverance 
bring  a  sure  Reward. 


142 


THE  FABLE  OF  HOW  THE  FOOL- 
KILLER  BACKED  OUT  OF  A 
CONTRACT 

THE  Fool-Killer  came  along  the 
Pike  Road  one  Day  and  stopped 
to  look  at  a  Strange  Sight. 
Inside  of  a   Barricade  were  several 
Thousands  of  Men,  Women  and  Chil 
dren.      They   were   moving   restlessly 
among    the    trampled    Weeds,    which 
were  clotted  with  Watermelon  Rinds, 
Chicken  Bones,  Straw  and  torn  Paper 
Bags. 

It  was  a  very  hot  Day.  The  People 
could  not  sit  down.  They  shuffled 
Wearily  and  were  pop-eyed  with  Lassi 
tude  and  Discouragement. 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


A  stifling  Dust  enveloped  them. 
They  Gasped  and  Sniffled.  Some  tried 
to  alleviate  their  Sufferings  by  gulping 
down  a  Pink  Beverage  made  of  Drug- 
Store  Acid,  which  fed  the  Fires  of 
Thirst. 

Thus  they  wove  and  interwove  in  the 
smoky  Oven.  The  Whimper  or  the 
faltering  Wail  of  Children,  the  quaver 
ing  Sigh  of  overlaced  Women,  and  the 
long-drawn  Profanity  of  Men — these 
were  what  the  Fool-Killer  heard  as  he 
looked  upon  the  Suffering  Throng. 

"  Is  this  a  new  Wrinkle  on  Dante's 
Inferno?"  he  asked  of  the  Man  on 
the  Gate,  who  wore  a  green  Badge 
marked  "  Marshal,"  and  was  taking 
Tickets. 

"No,  sir;  this  is  a  County  Fair," 
was  the  reply. 

i44 


THE    FOOL-KILLER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


'r  Why  do  the  People  congregate  in 
the  Weeds  and  allow  the  Sun  to  warp 
them?" 

"  Because  Everybody  does  it." 

"  Do  they  Pay  to  get  in  ?" 

"  You  know  it." 

"Can  they  Escape?" 

"They  can,  but  they  prefer  to  Stick." 

The  Fool-Killer  hefted  his  Club  and 
then  looked  at  the  Crowd  and  shook 
his  Head  doubtfully. 

"  I  can't  tackle  that  Outfit  to-day," 
he  said.  "  It's  too  big  a  Job." 

So  he  went  on  into  Town,  and  sin 
gled  out  a  Main  Street  Merchant  who 
refused  to  Advertise. 

MORAL:  People  who  expect  to  be 
Luny  will  find  it  safer  to  travel  in  a 
Bunch. 


146 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  CADDY 
WHO  HURT  HIS  HEAD  WHILE 
THINKING 

ONE  Day  a   Caddy   sat  in  the 
Long   Grass    near  the   Ninth 
Hole  and  wondered  if  he  had 
a  Soul.     His  Number  was  27,  and  he 
almost  had  forgotten  his  Real  Name. 

As  he  sat  and  Meditated,  two  Players 

passed  him.    They  were  going  the  Long 

Round,  and  the  Frenzy  was  upon  them. 

They  followed  the  Gutta  Percha  Balls 

with  the  intent  swiftness  of  trained  Bird 

Dogs,    and   each    talked   feverishly   of 

Brassy  Lies,  arid  getting  past  the  Bunker, 

and  Lofting  to  the  Green,  and  Slicing 

M7 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


i  ito  the  Bramble — each  telling  his  own 
aame  to  the  Ambient  Air,  and  ignoring 
what  the  other  Fellow  had  to  say. 

As  they  did  the  St.  Andrews  Full 
Swing  for  eighty  Yards  apiece  and  then 
Followed  Through  with  the  usual  Ex 
planations  of  how  it  Happened,  the 
Caddy  looked  at  them  and  Reflected  that 
they  were  much  inferior  to  his  Father. 

His  Father  was  too  Serious  a  Man 
to  get  out  in  Mardi  Gras  Clothes  and 
hammer  a  Ball  from  one  Red  Flag  to 
another. 

His  Father  worked  in  a  Lumber 
Yard. 

He  was  an  Earnest  Citizen,  who  sel 
dom  Smiled,  and  he  knew  all  about  the 
Silver  Question  and  how  J.  Pierpont 
Morgan  done  up  a  Free  People  on  the 
Bond  Issue. 

148 


MEDITATIVE    CADDY 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


The  Caddy  wondered  why  it  was  that 
his  Father,  a  really  Great  Man,  had  to 
shove  Lumber  all  day  and  could  seldom 
get  one  Dollar  to  rub  against  another, 
while  these  superficial  Johnnies  who 
played  Golf  all  the  Time  had  Money 
to  Throw  at  the  Birds.  The  more  he 
Thought  the  more  his  Head  ached. 

MORAL:  Don't  try  to  Account  for 
Anything. 


150 


THE    FABLE     OF    THE    MARTYR 
WHO    LIKED    THE   JOB 

ONCE  in  a  Country  Town  there 
was  a  Man  with  a  Weak 
Back. 

He  could  put  a  Grindstone  into  a 
Farm  Wagon  if  any  one  wanted  to  bet 
him  the  Segars,  but  every  time  he  lifted 
an  Ax,  something  caught  him  right  in 
the  Spine  and  he  had  to  go  into  the 
House  and  lie  down,  So  his  Wife  took 
Boarders  and  did  the  Cooking  herself. 

He  was  willing  to  divide  the  Labor, 
however;  so  he  did  the  Marketing. 
Only,  when  he  had  bought  the  Victuals, 
he  would  squat  on  a  Shoe-Box  with  the 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Basket  between  his  Legs  and  say  that 
he  couldn't  see  what  Congress  wuz 
thinkin'  of. 

He  had  certain  Theories  in  regard 
to  the  Alaskan  Boundary  and  he  was 
against  any  Anglo-American  Alliance 
becuz  Uncle  Sam  could  take  care  of 
himself  at  any  Turn  in  the  Road,  comin* 
right  down  to  it,  and  the  American 
People  wuz  superior  to  any  other  Nay- 
tionality  in  every  Way,  Shape,  Manner 
and  Form,  as  fur  as  that's  concerned. 
Then  his  Wife  would  have  to  send 
Word  for  him  to  come  on  with  the 
Groceries  so  she  could  get  Dinner. 

Nearly  Everybody  Sympathized  with 
her,  because  she  had  to  put  up  with 
such  a  big  Hulk  of  a  no-account  Hus 
band.  She  was  looked  upon  as  a  Mar 
tyr. 

152 


A    MARTYR 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


One  Day  the  Husband  was  Sunstruck, 
being  too  Lazy  to  move  into  the  Shade, 
and  next  Day  he  Passed  Away  without 
an  Effort.  The  Widow  gave  him  the 
best  Funeral  of  the  Year  and  then  put 
all  the  Money  she  could  rake  and 
scrape  into  a  Marble  Shaft  marked 
"At  Rest." 

A  good  many  People  said  she  was 
Better  Off  without  him,  and  it  was  cer 
tainly  a  Good  Riddance  of  Bad  Rub 
bish. 

They  hoped  that  if  she  ever  Married 
again  she'd  pick  out  Somebody  that 
wuzn't  afraid  to  Work,  and  had  Gump 
tion  enough  to  pound  Sand  into  a  Rat- 
Hole. 

There  was  General  Satisfaction  when 
she  became  the  Wife  of  Mr.  Gladden, 
who  owned  the  General  Store.  He 
154 


THE  MARTYR 


built  a  new  House,  hired  a  Girl  and 
had  the  Washing  sent  out.  She  could 
go  into  the  Store  and  pick  out  Anything 
she  wanted,  and  he  took  her  riding  in 
his  new  Runabout  every  Evening. 

Consequently,  she  was  very  Misera 
ble,  thinking  of  the  Jewel  she  had  lost. 

MORAL  :  If  the  Woman  thinks  he's 
All  Right,  you  keep  on  your  own  Side  of 
the  Fence. 


THE  FABLE    OF  THE  BOHEMIAN 
WHO  HAD  HARD  LUCK 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was 
a  Brilliant  but  Unappreciated 
Chap  who  was  such  a  Thorough 
Bohemian  that  Strangers  usually  mistook 
him  for  a  Tramp. 

Would  he  brush  his  Clothes  ?  Not  he. 
When  he  wore  a  Collar  he  was  Ashamed 
of  himself.  He  had  Pipe-Ashes  on  his 
Coat  and  Vest.  He  seldom  Combed 
his  Hair,  and  never  Shaved. 

Every  Evening  he  ate  an  Imitation 

Dinner,  at  a  forty-cent  Table  d'Hote, 

with  a  Bottle  of  Writing  Fluid  thrown  in. 

He  had  formed  a  little  Salon  of  Geniuses, 

157 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


who  also  were  out  of  Work,  and  they 
loved  to  Loll  around  on  their  Shoulder- 
Blades  and  Laugh  Bitterly  at  the 
World. 

The  main  Bohemian  was  an  Author. 
After  being  Turned  Down  by  numerous 
Publishers,  he  had  decided  to  write  for 
Posterity.  Posterity  hadn't  heard  any 
thing  about  it,  and  couldn't  get  out  an 
Injunction. 

He  knew  his  Works  were  good, 
because  all  the  Free  and  Untrammeled 
Souls  in  the  Spaghetti  Joint  told  him 
so.  He  would  read  them  a  Little  Thing 
of  his  Own  about  Wandering  in  the 
Fields  with  Lesbia,  and  then  he  would 
turn  to  a  Friend,  whose  Face  was  all 
covered  with  Human  Ivy,  and  ask  him, 
point  blank :  "  Is  it,  or  is  it  not,  Better 
than  the  Dooley  Stuff?  " 
158 


THOROUGH    BOHEMIAN 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"  There  is  no  Comparison,"  would  be 
the  Reply,  coming  through  the  Foliage. 

Wandering  in  the  Fields  with  Lesbia  ! 
Lesbia  would  have  done  Well.  If  he  had 
Wandered  in  the  Fields  at  any  Time  he 
would  have  been  Pinched  on  Suspicion 
that  he  was  out  for  Turnips. 

The  sure -enough  Bohemian  was  a 
Scathing  Critic.  If  Brander  Matthews 
only  knew  some  of  the  Things  said  about 
him,  there  would  be  Tear  Marks  on  his 
Pillow.  And  Howells,  too.  Bah!  My, 
but  he  was  Caustic. 

The  way  he  burned  up  Magazine 
Writers,  it 's  a  Wonder  they  didn't  get 
after  him  for  Arson. 

One  day,  while  standing  on  the  Front 
Stoop  at  his  Boarding  House,  trying  to 
think  of  some  one  who  would  submit  to 
a  Touch,  a  Flower  Pot  fell  from  a  Win- 

160 


THE   BOHEMIAN 


dow  Ledge  above  him,  and  hit  him  on 
the  Head.  He  was  put  into  an  Ambu 
lance  and  taken  to  a  Hospital,  where  the 
Surgeons  clipped  his  Hair  short,  in  order 
to  take  Three  Stitches.  While  he  was 
still  Unconscious,  and  therefore  unable 
to  Resist,  they  Scrubbed  him  with  Castile 
Soap,  gave  him  a  good  Shave,  and  put 
him  into  a  snowy-white  Gown. 

His  Friends  heard  of  the  Accident, 
and  went  to  the  Hospital  to  offer  Con 
dolence.  When  they  found  him  he  was 
so  Clean  and  Commonplace  that  they 
lost  all  Respect  for  him. 

MORAL  :  Get  a  good  Make-  Uf  and 
the  Part  flays  itself. 


161 


THE   FABLE    OF  THE  COMING 
CHAMPION    WHO    WAS    DE 
LAYED 

IN   a  certain   Athletic    Club  which 
rented  two  rooms  over  a  Tin-Shop 
there  was  one  Boy  who  could  put 
it  All  Over  the  other  Members. 

He  knew  how  to  Jab  and  Counter 
and  Upper-Cut  and  Bore  in  with  the 
Left  and  Play  for  the  Wind.  He  had 
Lumps  on  his  Arms  and  a  good  Pair 
of  She  uldersj  and  every  one  in  the  Club 
told  him  he  had  the  makings  of  a  World- 
Beater.  He  used  to  coax  Grocery  Clerks 
and  Grammar-School  Children  to  put  on 
the  Gloves  with  him,  and  then  he  would 
163 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


go  around  them,  like  a  Cooper  around  a 
Barrel,  and  Trim  them  right  and  proper. 

His  friends  would  stand  and  watch 
him  make  Monkeys  of  these  anaemic 
Amateurs,  and  gradually  the  Conviction 
grew  within  them  that  he  could  Lick 
anybody  of  his  Weight.  The  Boy  be 
lieved  them  when  they  told  him  he  ought 
to  go  after  the  Top-Notchers. 

He  gave  up  his  Job  in  the  Planing 
Mill  and  became  a  Pugilist.  The  Pro 
prietor  of  a  Cigar  Store  acted  as  his 
Manager,  and  began  to  pay  his  Board. 
This  Manager  was  Foxy.  He  told  the 
Boy  that  before  tackling  the  Champion 
ship  Class  it  would  be  better  to  go  out 
and  beat  a  lot  of  Fourth-Raters,  thereby 
building  up  a  Reputation  and  at  the 
same  time  getting  here  and  there  a  Mess 
of  the  Long  Green.  \ 
164 


MANAGER 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


In  the  same  Town  there  was  an  Un 
dertaker  who  had  Sporting  Blood  in  his 
Veins,  and  he  sought  out  the  Manager 
and  made  a  Match  in  behalf  of  an 
Unknown. 

The  boy  went  into  Training  in  a 
Stable.  He  had  a  yellow  Punching 
Bag,  a  Sponge,  a  Bath-Robe  and  sev 
eral  Towels.  Two  Paper- Hangers  who 
were  out  of  Work  acted  as  his  Trainers. 
They  rubbed  him  with  Witch  Hazel  all 
day,  and  in  the  Evening  the  Boy  stood 
around  in  a  Sweater  and  Talked  out  of 
the  corner  of  his  Mouth.  He  said  he 
was  Trained  to  the  Minute,  as  Hard  as 
Nails  and  Fit  as  a  Fiddle,  and  he  would 
make  Mr.  Unknown  jump  out  of  the 
Ring. 

As  the  Day  of  the  Battle  approached 
it  came  out  that  the  Unknown  was  a 

166 


THE    COMING    CHAMPION 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Scrapper  who  had  been  fairly  Successful 
at  one  Time,  but  had  ceased  to  be  a 
Live  One  several  Years  before.  He 
was  imported  especially  for  this  Contest 
with  the  Coming  Champion. 

When  he  arrived  in  Town  it  was 
evident  that  he  lacked  Condition.  He 
had  been  dieting  himself  on  Pie  and 
Beer,  and  any  Expert,  such  as  the  Cigar 
Store  Man,  could  tell  by  looking  at  him 
that  his  Abdomen  was  not  hard  enough 
to  withstand  those  crushing  Body  Blows 
such  as  the  Boy  was  in  the  Habit  of 
Landing — on  the  Punching  Bag.  Ac 
cordingly  the  Word  went  around  that 
the  imported  Pug  was  too  Fat  and  had 
bad  Wind. 

It  began  to  resemble  a  Cinch. 

The  Manager  went  out  and  bet  more 
Money,  and  the  Coming  Champion  was 

168 


THE   COMING    CHAMPION 

Nervous  for  fear  that  he  would  kill  the 
Has-Been  if  he  connected  too -strong 
on  the  Point  of  the  Jaw.  He  thought 
it  would  be  better  to  wear  him  down 
with  Short-Arm  blows  and  make  him 
Quit,  He  had  read  that  it  was  Dan 
gerous  to  punish  a  Physical  Wreck,  who 
might  have  Heart  Trouble  or  something 
like  that.  The  Boy  was  a  Professional 
Pugilist,  but  he  had  Humane  Instincts. 
When  the  Boy  came  to  the  Train 
which  was  to  carry  the  Participants  and 
the  Spectators  to  the  Battle-Field  he 
was  attended  by  four  Comrades,  who 
had  Ice,  Beef  Tea,  Brandy,  Alcohol, 
Blankets  and  other  Paraphernalia.  They 
made  a  Couch  for  him  in  the  Baggage 
Car,  and  had  him  lie  down,  so  that  he 
might  conserve  all  his  Strength  and  step 
into  the  Ring  as  fresh  as  possible.  The 
169 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


so-called  Unknown  had  no  one  to  Han 
dle  him.  He  sat  Alone  in  the  Men's 
Car,  with  a  queer  Telescope  Valise  on 
his  Knees,  and  he  smoked  a  Cigarette, 
which  was  in  direct  Violation  of  all  the 
Rules  of  Training. 

At  last  the  Company  arrived  at  the 
Secluded  Spot,  and  a  Ring  was  staked 
out. 

The  Coming  Champion  was  received 
with  Loud  Cheers.  He  wore  a  new  Pair 
of  Gymnasium  Shoes,  spotless  Trunks, 
and  around  his  Waist  was  an  American 
Flag,  presented  by  his  Admirers  in  the 
Athletic  Club. 

In  a  few  Moments  the  Imported 
Scrapper  came  into  the  Ring,  attended 
by  the  Sporty  Undertaker.  He  wore 
an  old  Pair  of  Bike  Shoes  and  faded 
Work  Trousers,  chopped  off  at  the 
170 


AND    SEE 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Knees,  while  his  Belt  was  a  Shawl-Strap. 
He  was  chewing  Gum. 

After  he  put  on  the  Gloves  he  looked 
over  at  the  Coming  Champion  and  re 
marked  to  the  Undertaker  that  he  (the 
Coming  Champion)  seemed  to  be  a  Nice 
Young  Fellow.  After  which  he  Yawned 
slightly,  and  wanted  to  know  what  Time 
they  would  get  a  Train  back  to  Town. 

The  Bell  rang,  and  there  in  the  Cen 
ter  of  the  Ring  stood  the  Tottering  Has- 
Been  and  the  Coming  Champion. 

The  Has-Been  was  crouched,  with 
his  Head  drawn  in,  turtle-fashion,  his 
Legs  spraddled,  and  oh,  the  hard,  vicious 
Expression  on  that  Face,  as  he  Fiddled 
Short  and  looked  intently  at  the  Com 
ing  Champion's  Feet.  This  was  a  very 
confusing  and  unprofessional  Thing  to 
do,  as  the  Boy  had  not  been  accustomed 
172 


THE    COMING   CHAMPION 

to  boxing  with  People  who  looked  at  his 
Feet.  He  wondered  if  there  was  any 
thing  the  matter  with  his  Gymnasium 
Shoes. 

In  a  Moment  or  two  he  saw  that  the 
Physical  Wreck  was  afraid  to  Lead,  so 
he  did  some  nimble  Foot  Work,  and  his 
Gloves  began  to  describe  Parabolas — 
then  all  at  once  somebody  turned  off 
the  Sunshine. 

They  threw  Cold  Water  on  him,  held 
a  Bottle  of  Ammonia  to  his  Nose  and 
stuck  Pins  in  under  his  Fingcr-Nails. 

At  last  his  Eye-Lids  fluttered,  and 
he  turned  a  dim  and  filmy  Gaze  on  his 
faithful  Seconds  gathered  about  him. 

"  Oh,  how  the  Birds  sing!"  he  mur 
mured.  "And  see!  The  Aurora  Bore- 
alis  is  trying  to  climb  over  Pain's  Fire- 
Works." 

173 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


"  Cheer  up! "  said  the  Manager.  "He 
took  a  Mean  Advantage  of  you  and  Hit 
you  when  you  wasn't  Looking." 

"  Ah,  yes,  it  all  comes  back  to  me. 
Did  I  win?" 

"  Not  quite,"  replied  the  Manager, 
who  feared  to  tell  him  the  whole  Truth. 

"You  say  he  Hit  me?"  asked  the 
Coming  Champion. 

"Yes." 

"With  a  Casting?" 

"We  couldn't  tell.  He  was  in  such 
a  Hurry." 

All  this  Time  the  Victor  was  sitting 
on  the  Station  Platform  with  the  Un 
dertaker.  He  was  Remarking  that  it 
seemed  to  be  a  very  Purty  Country 
thereabouts,  and  he'd  often  wished  he 
could  close  in  on  enough  of  the  Gilt  to 
buy  him  a  nice  piece  of  Land  some- 
174 


THE    COMING   CHAMPION 

where,  inasmuch  as  he  regarded  a 
Farmer  as  the  most  independent  Man 
on  Earth. 

Next  week  there  was  a  familiar  Name 
back  on  the  Time-Card  at  the  Planing 
Mill. 

MORAL  :  In  all  the  Learned  Profes 
sions,  Many  are  Called  but  Few  are 
Chosen. 


175 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  LAWYER 
WHO  BROUGHT  IN  A  MINOR 
ITY  REPORT 

A  a  Bazaar,  the  purpose  of  which 
was  to  Hold  Up  the  Public 
for  the  Benefit  of  a  Worthy 
Cause,  there  were  many  Schemes  to  in 
duce  Visitors  to  let  go  of  their  Assets. 
One  of  the  most  likely  Grafts  perpe 
trated  by  the  astute  Management  was 
a  Voting  Contest  to  Determine  who  was 
the  Most  Beautiful  and  Popular  Young 
Lady  in  the  City.  It  cost  Ten  Cents 
to  cast  one  Vote.  The  Winner  of  the 
Contest  was  to  receive  a  beautiful  Vase, 
with  Roses  on  it. 

177 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


A  prominent  Young  Lawyer,  who  was 
Eloquent,  Good  Looking,  and  a  Leader 
in  Society,  had  been  selected  to  make 
the  Presentation  Speech  after  the  Votes 
had  been  counted. 

In  a  little  while  the  Contest  had  nar 
rowed  down  until  it  was  Evident  that 
either  the  Brewer's  Daughter  or  the  Con 
tractor's  Daughter  was  the  Most  Beauti 
ful  and  Popular  Young  Lady  in  the  City. 
The  Brewer  and  his  Friends  pushed 
Ten  Dollar  Bills  into  the  Ballot  Box, 
while  the  Contractor,  just  before  the 
Polls  closed,  slipped  in  a  Check  for 
One  Hundred  Dollars. 

When  the  Votes  were  counted,  the 
Management  of  the  Bazaar  was  pleased 
to  learn  that  the  Sixty-Cent  Vase  had 
Netted  over  Seven  Hundred  Dollars. 
It  was  Announced  that  the  Contractor's 
178 


THE    MINORITY    REPORT 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


Daughter  was  exactly  Nine  Dollars  and 
Twenty  Cents  more  Beautiful  and  Pop 
ular  than  the  Brewer's  Daughter. 

Thereupon  the  Committee  requested 
that  the  Eloquent  Young  Lawyer  step 
to  the  Rostrum  and  make  the  Presen 
tation  Speech.  There  was  no  Response  ; 
the  Young  Lawyer  had  Disappeared. 

One  of  the  Members  of  the  Committee 
started  on  a  Search  for  him,  and  found 
him  in  a  dusky  Corner  of  the  Japanese 
Tea  Garden,  under  the  Paper  Lanterns, 
making  a  Proposal  of  Marriage  to  a  Poor 
Girl  who  had  not  received  one  Vote. 

MORAL  :   Never  believe  a  Relative. 


180 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  TWO  MAN 
DOLIN  PLAYERS  AND  THE 
WILLING  PERFORMER 

A  VERY  attractive   Debutante 
knew   two  Young    Men  who 
called  on  her  every  Thursday 
Evening,  and  brought  their  Mandolins 
along. 

They  were  Conventional  Young  Men, 
of  the  Kind  that  you  see  wearing  Spring 
Overcoats  in  the  Clothing  Advertise 
ments.  One  was  named  Fred,  and  the 
other  was  Eustace. 

The  Mothers  of  the  Neighborhood 
often  remarked,  "  What  Perfect  Man 
ners  Fred  and  Eustace  have  !  "  Mere 
ly  as  an  aside  it  may  be  added  that 

181 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


Fred  and  Eustace  were  more  Popular 
with  the  Mothers  than  they  were  with 
the  Younger  Set,  although  no  one  could 
say  a  Word  against  either  of  them.  Only 
it  was  rumored  in  Keen  Society  that  they 
didn't  Belong.  The  Fact  that  they  went 
Calling  in  a  Crowd,  and  took  their  Man 
dolins  along,  may  give  the  Acute  Reader 
some  Idea  of  the  Life  that  Fred  and 
Eustace  held  out  to  the  Young  Women 
of  their  Acquaintance. 

The  Debutante's  name  was  Myrtle. 
Her  Parents  were  very  Watchful,  and 
did  not  encourage  her  to  receive  Callers, 
except  such  as  were  known  to  be  Exem 
plary  Young  Men.  Fred  and  Eustace 
were  a  few  of  those  who  escaped  the 
Black  List.  Myrtle  always  appeared 
to  be  glad  to  see  them,  and  they  regarded 
her  as  a  Darned  Swell  Girl. 
182 


MYRTLE 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Fred's  Cousin  came  from  St.  Paul  on 
a  Visit;  and  one  Day,  in  the  Street, 
he  saw  Myrtle,  and  noticed  that  Fred 
tipped  his  Hat.  and  gave  her  a  Stage 
Smile. 

"  Oh,  Queen  of  Sheba  !  "  exclaimed 
the  Cousin  from  St.  Paul,  whose  name 
was  Gus,  as  he  stood  stock  still,  and 
watched  Myrtle's  Reversible  Plaid  dis 
appear  around  a  Corner.  "  She  's  a  Bird. 
Do  you  know  her  well  ?  " 

"  I  know  her  Quite  Well,"  replied 
Fred,  coldly.  "  She  is  a  Charming  Girl." 

"  She  is  all  of  that.  You  're  a  great 
Describer.  And  now  what  Night  are 
you  going  to  take  me  around  to  Call 
on  her  ?  " 

Fred  very  naturally  Hemmed  and 
Hawed.  It  must  be  remembered  that 
Myrtle  was  a  member  of  an  Excellent 


THE    TWO   MANDOLIN   PLAYERS 

Family,  and  had  been  schooled  in  the 
Proprieties,  and  it  was  not  to  be  sup 
posed  that  she  would  crave  the  Society 
of  slangy  old  Gus,  who  had  an  abound 
ing  Nerve,  and  furthermore  was  as  Fresh 
as  the  Mountain  Air. 

He  was  the  Kind  of  Fellow  who 
would  see  a  Girl  twice,  and  then,  upon 
meeting  her  the  Third  Time,  he  would 
go  up  and  straighten  her  Cravat  for  her, 
and  call  her  by  her  First  Name. 

Put  him  into  a  Strange  Company 
—  en  route  to  a  Picnic  —  and  by  the 
time  the  Baskets  were  unpacked  he 
would  have  a  Blonde  all  to  himself,  and 
she  would  have  traded  her  Fan  for  his 
College  Pin. 

If  a  Fair-Looker  on  the  Street  hap 
pened  to  glance  at  him  Hard  he  would 
run  up  and  seize  her  by  the  Hand,  and 
185 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


convince  her  that  they  had  Met.  And  he 
always  Got  Away  with  it,  too. 

In  a  Department  Store,  while  waiting 
for  the  Cash  Boy  to  come  back  with  the 
Change,  he  would  find  out  the  Girl's 
Name,  her  Favorite  Flower,  and  where 
a  Letter  would  reach  her. 

Upon  entering  a  Parlor  Car  at  St  Paul 
he  would  select  a  Chair  next  to  the  Most 
Promising  One  in  Sight,  and  ask  her 
if  she  cared  to  have  the  Shade  lowered. 

Before  the  Train  cleared  the  Yards  he 
would  have  the  Porter  bringing  a  Foot- 
Stool  for  the  Lady. 

At  Hastings  he  would  be  asking  her 
if  she  wanted  Something  to  Read. 

At  Red  Wing  he  would  be  telling  her 
that  she  resembled  Maxine  Elliott,  and 
showing  her  his  Watch,  left  to  him  by 
his  Grandfather,  a  Prominent  Virginian. 

186 


FRED    AND    EUSTACE 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


At  La  Crosse  he  would  be  reading 
the  Menu  Card  to  her,  and  telling  her 
how  different  it  is  when  you  have  Some 
One  to  join  you  in  a  Bite. 

At  Milwaukee  he  would  go  out  and 
buy  a  Bououet  for  her,  and  when  they 
rode  into  Chicago  they  would  be  look 
ing  out  of  the  same  Window,  and  he 
would  be  arranging  for  her  Baggage  with 
the  Transfer  Man.  After  that  they  would 
be  Old  Friends. 

Now,  Fred  and  Eustace  had  been  at 
School  with  Gus,  and  they  had  seen 
his  Work,  and  they  were  not  disposed 
to  Introduce  him  into  One  of  the  most 
Exclusive  Homes  in  the  City, 

They  had  known  Myrtle  for  many 
Years  ;  but  they  did  not  dare  to  Address 
her  by  her  First  Name,  and  they  were 
Positive  that  if  Gus  attempted  any  of  his 

188 


THE    TWO   MANDOLIN    PLAYERS 

usual  Tactics  with  her  she  would  be 
Offended  ;  and,  naturally  enough,  they 
would  be  Blamed  for  bringing  him  to 
the  House. 

But  Gus  insisted.  He  said  he  had 
seen  Myrtle,  and  she  Suited  him  from 
the  Ground  up,  and  he  proposed  to 
have  Friendly  Doings  with  her.  At  last 
they  told  him  they  would  take  him  if  he 
promised  to  Behave.  Fred  warned  him 
that  Myrtle  would  frown  down  any 
Attempt  to  be  Familiar  on  Short  Ac 
quaintance,  and  Eustace  said  that  as 
long  as  he  had  known  Myrtle  he  had 
never  Presumed  to  be  Free  and  Forward 
with  her.  He  had  simply  played  the 
Mandolin.  That  was  as  Far  Along  as 
he  had  ever  got. 

Gus  told  them  not  to  Worry  about 
him.  All  he  asked  was  a  Start.  He  said 
189 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


he  was  a  Willing  Performer,  but  as  yet  he 
never  had  been  Disqualified  for  Crowd 
ing.  Fred  and  Eustace  took  this  to 
mean  that  he  would  not  Overplay  his 
Attentions,  so  they  escorted  him  to  the 
House. 

As  soon  as  he  had  been  Presented, 
Gus  showed  her  where  to  sit  on  the 
Sofa,  then  he  placed  himself  about  Six 
Inches  away  and  began  to  Buzz,  looking 
her  straight  in  the  Eye.  He  said  that 
when  he  first  saw  her  he  Mistook  her 
for  Miss  Prentice,  who  was  said  to  be 
the  Most  Beautiful  Girl  in  St.  Pau!, 
only,  when  he  came  closer,  he  saw  that 
it  couldn't  be  Miss  Prentice,  because 
Miss  Prentice  didn't  have  such  Lovely 
Hair.  Then  he  asked  her  the  Month  of 
her  Birth  and  told  her  Fortune,  thereby 
coming  nearer  to  Holding  her  Hand 
190 


THE    WILLING    PERFORMER 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


within  Eight  Minutes  than  Eustace  had 
come  in  a  Lifetime. 

"  Play  something,  Boys,"  he  Ordered, 
just  as  if  he  had  paid  them  Money  to 
come  along  and  make  Music  for  him. 

They  unlimbered  their  Mandolins 
and  began  to  play  a  Sousa  March.  He 
asked  Myrtle  if  she  had  seen  the  New 
Moon.  She  replied  that  she  had  not, 
so  they  went  Outside. 

When  Fred  and  Eustace  finished 
the  first  Piece,  Gus  appeared  at  the 
open  Window,  and  asked  them  to  play 
"The  Georgia  Camp-Meeting,"  which 
had  always  been  one  of  his  Favorites. 

So  they  played  that,  and  when  they 
had  Concluded  there  came  a  Voice  from 
the  Outer  Darkness,  and  it  was  the 
Voice  of  Myrtle.  She  said :  "  I  '11  tell 
you  what  to  Play ;  play  the  Intermezzo/' 
192 


THE    TWO   MANDOLIN    PLAYERS 

Fred  and  Eustace  exchanged  Glances. 
They  began  to  Perceive  that  they  had 
been  backed  into  a  Siding.  With  a  few 
Potted  Palms  in  front  of  them,  and  two 
Cards  from  the  Union,  they  would  have 
been  just  the  same  as  a  Hired  Orchestra. 

But  they  played  the  Intermezzo  and 
felt  Peevish.  Then  they  v/ent  to  the 
Window  and  looked  out.  Gus  and 
Myrtle  were  sitting  in  the  Hammock, 
which  had  quite  a  Pitch  toward  the 
Center.  Gus  had  braced  himself  by 
Holding  to  the  back  of  the  Hammock. 
He  did  not  have  his  Arm  around  Myrtle, 
but  he  had  it  Extended  in  a  Line  parallel 
with  her  Back.  What  he  had  done 
wouldn't  Justify  a  Girl  in  saying, "  Sir ! " 
but  it  started  a  Real  Scandal  with  Fred 
and  Eustace.  They  saw  that  the  only 
Way  to  Get  Even  with  her  was  to  go 
193 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


Home  without  saying  "  Good  Night." 
So  they  slipped  out  the  Side  Door, 
shivering  with  Indignation. 

After  that,  for  several  Weeks,  Gus 
kept  Myrtle  so  Busy  that  she  had  no 
Time  to  think  of  considering  other 
Candidates.  He  sent  Books  to  her 
Mother,  and  allowed  the  Old  Gentle 
man  to  take  Chips  away  from  him 
at  Poker. 

They  were  Married  in  the  Autumn, 
and  Father-in-Law  took  Gus  into  the 
Firm,  saying  that  he  had  needed  a  good 
Pusher  for  a  Long  Time. 

At  the  Wedding  the  two  Mandolin 
Players  were  permitted  to  act  as  Ushers. 

MORAL  :  fo  get  a  fair  Trial  of  Speedy 
use  a  Pace  -  Maker. 


194 


THE  FABLE  OF  THE  MAN  WHO 
DIDN'T  CARE  FOR  STORY 
BOOKS 

ONCE  there  was  a  blue  Dyspep 
tic,   who    attempted   to    Kill 
Time  by  reading  Novels,  until 
he  discovered  that  all  Books  of  Fiction 
were  a  Mockery. 

After  a  prolonged  Experience  he  came 
to  know  that  every  Specimen  of  Light 
Reading  belonged  to  one  of  the  follow 
ing  Divisions : 

i.  The  Book  that  Promises  well  un 
til  you  reach  the  Plot,  and  then  you 
Remember  that  you  read  it  Summer 
before  last. 

195 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


2.  The  book  with  the  Author's  Pic 
ture  as   a   Frontispiece.      The  Author 
is  very  Cocky.     He  has  his  Overcoat 
thrown  back,  so  as  to  reveal  the  Silk 
Lining.     That  Settles  it ! 

3.  The  Book  that  runs  into  a  Snarl 
of  Dialect  on  the  third  Page  and  never 
gets  out. 

4.  The  delectable  Yarn  about  a  Door- 
Mat  Thief,  who  truly  loves  the  Opium 
Fiend.     Jolly  Story  of  the  Slums. 

5.  The    Book    that    begins   with   a 
twenty -page    Description    of    Sloppy 
Weather:    "  Long  swirls  of  riven  Rain 
beat  somberly  upon  the  misty  Panes," 
etc.,  etc. 

You  turn  to  the  last  Chapter  to  see 

if  it  Rains  all  the  way  through  the  Book. 

This  last  Chapter  is  a  Give-Away.     It 

condenses  the  whole  Plot  and  dishes  up 

196 


ALL    A    MOCKERY 


FABLES   IN  SLANG 


the  Conclusion.  After  that,  who  would 
have  the  Nerve  to  wade  through  the 
Two  Hundred  and  Forty  intermediate 
Pages  ? 

6.  The  Book  in  which  the  Pictures 
tell  the  Story.     After  you  have  seen 
the  Pictures  there  is  no  need  to  wrestle 
with  the  Text. 

7.  The    Book   that    begins   with   a 
Murder   Mystery  —  charming   Picture 
of  Gray-Haired  Man  discovered  Dead 
in  his  Library  —  Blood  splashed  all  over 
the  Furniture  —  Knife  of  Curious  De 
sign  lying  on  Floor. 

You  know  at  once  that  the  most 
Respected  and  least  j«jpected  Personage 
in  the  Book  committed  the  awful  Crime, 
but  you  haven't  the  Heart  to  Track 
him  down  and  compel  him  to  commit 
Suicide. 

198 


DIDN'T  CARE  FOR  STORY-BOOKS 

8.  The  Book  that  gets  away  with  one 
Man  asking  another :    "  By  Jove,  who 
is  that  Dazzling  Beauty  in  the  Box  ? " 

The  Man  who  asks  this  Question  has 
a  Name  which  sounds  like  the  Title 
of  a  Sleeping  Car. 

You  feel  instinctively  that  he  is  going 
to  be  all  Mixed  Up  with  that  Girl  in 
the  Box  before  Chapter  XII.  is  reached ; 
but  who  can  take  any  real  Interest  in  the 
Love  Affairs  of  a  Man  with  such  a 
Name? 

9.  The    Book   that   tells   all   about 
Society  and  how  Tough  it  is.     Even 
the  Women  drink  Brandy  and  Soda, 
smoke   Cigarettes,  and  Gamble.     The 
clever  Man  of  the  World,  who  says  all 
the  Killing  Things,  is  almost  as  Funny 
as  Ally  Sloper.     An  irritable  Person, 
after  reading  nine  Chapters  of  this  kind 

199 


FABLES    IN  SLANG 


of  High  Life,  would  be  ready  to  go 
Home  and  throw  his  Grandmother  into 
the  Fire. 

10.  The  dull,  gray  Book,  or  the 
Simple  Annuls  of  John  Gardensass. 
A  Careful  Study  of  American  Life. 

In  Chapter  I.  he  walks  along  the 
Lane,  stepping  first  on  one  Foot  and 
then  on  the  Other,  enters  a  House 
by  the  Door,  and  sits  in  a  four-legged 
wooden  Chair,  looking  out  through  a 
Window  with  Glass  in  it.  Book  denotes 
careful  Observation.  Nothing  happens 
until  Page  150.  Then  John  decides 
to  sell  the  Cow.  In  the  Final  Chapter 
he  sits  on  a  Fence  and  Whittles.  True 
Story,  but  What 's  the  Use  ? 

Why  continue  ?  The  Dyspeptic  said 
that  when  he  wanted  something  really 
Fresh  and  Original  in  the  Line  of  Fiction 
200 


DIDN'T  CARE  FOR  STORY-BOOKS 

he  read  the  Prospectus  of  a   Mining 
Corporation. 

MORAL  :  Only  the  more  Rugged  Mor 
tals  sho*,d  attempt  to  Keep  Up  on  Cur 
rent  Literature. 


OTHER  BOOKS  By  GEORGE  ADE 


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Seventh   Thousand 

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Eighth    Thousand 

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A  STORY  or  THE  STREETS  AND  TOWN,  with  many  illustra 
tions  by  John  T.  McCutchcon.  i6mo,  cloth,  $115. 

Twenty-first  Thousand 

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comment  here.  They  may  be  had  of  all  book 
sellers,  the  three  volumes  mentioned  above  together 
in  a  box,  or  from  the  publishers,  postpaid,  on  receipt 
of  the  price. 

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